#Robust case
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so vehicle passes to the dunes are $25 for you and all passengers but pedestrian passes are $15 per person đ€š
#For the national Park most accessible by transit and nearest to fairly developed (sub)urban areas?#Also the annual pass is car only bc u need a license plate no. or something to even get one#Like I understand logistically why that's the case but surely you'd want to incentivize people not driving w such a robust + reliable optio#like literally RIGHT there
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Why in gods name would you make a skirt and only put the hip measurement it fits when the waistband is massively cinched in from this?
#i know the waistband is massively cinched because i am the same circumference all the way up#so the hips part goes over my hips easy#and then i try to zip it closed and realise that no matter how high i hike it it's going to sausage case me#also size 18 my ass#it was only 3.50 in a charity shop so i shouldn't be too mad but i've been looking for a skirt just like it for ages#and i keep finding ones that are just barely Too Small regardless of label sizing#if it was a tiny bit bigger i'd keep it against the day i have a more robust corset to spread the sausage case effect but alas
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Paul Drake: Man at work.
#paul drake#william hopper#the case of the carefree coronary#this episode was actually really hard to watch#paul went undercover and ended up in the hospital#with the symptoms of a heart attack#he almost died#della and perry were distraught#perry kept talking about how robust and healthy he was and how this didn't seem possible#and all the while#we the audience know that in less than 2 years#william hopper will die from a massive stroke#i couldn't watch this one again
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A stroll...
Question: You'll ask about setting up tomorrow. What do you do now?
Response: Night time stroll.
Check notes for previous instalments
You sit among the stones until the sun's almost set. You don't want to reposition them just yet - tomorrow you'll ask Deema to take a look.
You don't want to sleep yet either; your mind's still buzzing with the thrill of solving a puzzle. You leave the paint on the porch table and instead of going to bed pull on your cowl, gloves, and jacket. It's getting colder and windier and you haven't used your cowl yet.
A night time stroll would be nice. The clouds will be too thick to see the stars and moon but your jacket's warm and your cowl will keep the wind out.
You keep to the fringes of town and stumble onto the road leading away from it. The night life in Wreck Reef is quiet enough to barely reach you here. The wind picks up around you, whipping the hem of your jacket around your legs and rattling the bare branches of the trees lining the twisting road. It's getting properly dark now.
The sound of a wagon reaches you before you see a light through the trees. It's two days too early to be one of the regular wagons transporting passengers around the north. You turn around and walk back to town. There's nowhere else it will be going and you'd rather get a head start if you're going to see what it is.
It rumbles closer and someone calls out. You move aside to let it pass and follow it up the road. It leaves you behind quickly.
The driver is long gone when you reach the driftwood arch marking the town entrance. There are eight people standing together underneath it. Some of them carry tools you recognise - a case similar to the ones you and Deema use, a stone with a hole bored through the centre hanging from a belt - but most are unfamiliar to you. They must be the witches Lex mentioned would be arriving.
You come closer. They're arguing amongst themselves in hushed voices and passing around a paper. You realise they must be looking for a building. The town hall's closed for the night and there's no-one else on this street.
#just in case anyone here forgot. this place has a robust public transport system#because i said so#polls#cyoa
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love to buy water filters in case the local water gets poisoned and air purifiers in case the local air gets poisoned
#we already have air purifiers upstairs actually because of I don't remember why#suspicion of allergies I think?#but a) I've discovered today that this kind of purifier emits?? ozone??? so we shouldn't be running them all the time lmao???#and b) they're The Size Of That Room so when I'm downstairs or when I've been sleeping in the guest room because of back problems...#it is not a very efficient kind for household use but I bought a water purifier that I've BEEN wanting for wilderness reasons#... shortly after the chemical spills in ohio#and it depressed me deeply :')#got a back country water filter for camping three days before learning there's PFAs in Literally All Water!#got a more robust purifier not for fun and camping but in case of tap water becoming undrinkable from failing infrastructure!!#and I've got it GOOD relatively speaking!! I've been in the 'nervously watching everywhere ELSE get fucked' part of the country#just waiting for michigan's inevitable turn#how am I gonna be an optimist about this#about me
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#ok i'm afraid there might be something seriously wrong with me#why do I jump to the worst case scenario. why do I perseverate so much#why is it so easy for my mood to get derailed and stay there. and so hard to get it back#hey. can we not#i'm tired of being this reactive#can we be more robust please#anyway.#op#delete later
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Not to take an extreme stance, but I will once again point out that often fines for companies are less a punishment and more just the cost of doing business
If a fine isn't higher than the cost of doing things right, then it becomes a fee you pay to get to cut corners
I'm sorry, but I feel like at a certain point the only way to get companies to stop violating the law may be prison time for upper management (no scapegoats allowed). Obviously only for more severe violations, but still... we see that fines don't deter companies from bad behavior... maybe repeat offenders need to face more than monetary consequences
#this is about that price fixing fine and me thinking... yeah... but is 40 million more than they made by doing it?#like that's great and all; but did you actually deter them in anyway#or did they just get a massive win?#did their price fixing for instance make them 100 million; cause that's 60 million in profit#like when you leave morality aside; the answer becomes obvious that price fixing makes more money that it costs if that's the case#fines need to either be so painful that paying them costs more than you make from the violation#or like I said... upper management needs actual consequences that are high enough to deter them#I don't have a properly laid out iron clad policy with robust consideration for loopholes and legal precedent here#I have an opinion and a wish that we maybe begin thinking what that legal framework would look like#but I'm not saying anything new; you probably already know this#seriously though; how often is a fine less of a punishment and more of a fee for getting caught#and how often is it literally cheaper to pay the fine than to do things the way they need to be done#if it's cheaper to pay an EPA fine than it is to dispose of things properly why not pump sludge into the ground water?#these companies have no human decency; so what reason within their value structure is there not to do this stuff?#and do these fines actually do anything to truly compensate for the damage done?#like that fine that was given in the price fixing case... it's gonna be paid out to poor families or whatever#is it even close to as much money as they lost to the price gouging that they're gonna be getting a check for?#you see what I'm saying right? not that I have the answers; but this fines as fees is a failure of policy#why even have rules at all if you can just pay a fee to waive them?#like many of these rules are ones I want in place; I want price fixing to be illegal cause it's very harmful... but what's the enforcement?#will this make these companies change and not do this again; or will it make them go 'shucks; shame we got caught'?
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Iâm so congested I feel like a human La Croix đ©
#I canât smell but I can taste sort of still but itâs like#the very fringe flavors of what Iâm eating#like essence of cool ranch Doritos and hint of berry smoothie#but like nothing is robust flavors right now and it FUCKING SUCKS I love food too much for this#personal txt#fucking Covid. Iâm glad my case is super mild but thatâs just modern medicine. quad vaxx bay beesssss
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A lot of folks are responding to the whole Reddit situation by calling for the return of decentralised forums, and I think it's important to remember that, contrary to certain popular narratives, the reason early 2000s forum culture has fallen by the wayside is not because people are Just Lazy. Certainly, ease of use is part of it, but a much larger part of it is how vulnerable self-hosted forums are.
Basically, the problem is that even the largest and most carefully managed self-hosted forums can be rendered unusable more or less indefinitely by a single sufficiently determined hostile actor. This can take the form of both attacks on the forum's social infrastructure (i.e., via sock-puppet accounts, botting, organised "raids", etc.) and attacks on its technical infrastructure (i.e., via hacking, DDoS, etc.). In either case, a self-hosted forum has no real defence, and the majority of decentralised forum communities survive only by virtue of their relative obscurity; once a self-hosted forum manages to attract the attention of That One Guy who's willing to devote his life to shitting the place up over some microscopic slight, it's effectively game over.
Right now, there are essentially only two mitigation strategies:
Gathering huge numbers of communities under a single, massively centralised technical infrastructure that's simply too large and robust for any one hostile actor to bring down; and
Hardening the community's social infrastructure either by going private and invite only (i.e., the Discord approach), or by making use of a vast centralised pool of volunteer labour to aggressively enforce community standards (i.e., the Reddit approach).
To be clear, these are not intractable problems; other solutions may well exist. However, any proposed plan for bringing decentralised public forums back needs to address them. If you're going in operating under the assumption that forums have become marginalised simply because corporations are evil and people are lazy, you're setting yourself up to learn the hard way why self-hosted forums no longer seem to be capable of growing beyond a certain point.
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Things the Biden-Harris Administration Did This Week #30
August 2-9 2024
The Department of Interior announced the largest investment since 1979 in outdoor recreation and conservation projects. The $325 million will go to support State, territorial, DC, and tribal governments in buying new land for parks and outdoor recreation sites. It also supports expansion and refurbishment of existing sites.
The EPA announced that Birmingham Alabama will get $171 million to update and replace its water system. The city of Birmingham is 70% black and like many black majority cities as struggled with aging water systems and lead pipes causing dangerous drinking water conditions. This investment is part of the Biden-Harris administrations plan to replace all of the nation's lead pipes.
The Department of Energy announced $2.2 billion in investments in the national power grid to help boost resiliency in the face of extreme weather. The projects will add 13 gigawatts of capacity, support 5,000 new jobs and upgrade 1,000 miles of transmission. Major projects will cut power outages in the west, drive down energy prices in New England, add off shore wind, and enable the development of the Standing Rock Sioux Tribeâs wind resources.
The Justice Department won its massive anti-trust case against Google. A federal judge ruled that Google was an illegal monopoly. The DOJ has an ongoing antitrust suit against Apple, while the Federal Trade Commission is suing Facebook and Amazon for their monopolist practices
The US Government announced $3.9 billion in direct aid to Ukraine. The money will help the Government of Ukraine make up for massive budget short falls caused by the war with Russia. It'll help pay the salaries of teachers, emergency workers, and other public employees, as well helping displaced persons, low-income families and people with disabilities.
The Department of Energy announced $190 million to improve air quality and energy upgrades in K-12 schools. The grants to 320 schools across 25 states will impact 123,000 students, 94% of these schools service student bodies where over half the students qualify for free and reduced lunch. In the face of climate change more schools have been forced to close for extreme heat. These grants will help schools with everything from air filtration, to AC, to more robust energy systems, to replacing lighting.
USAID announced $424 million in additional humanitarian aid to the Democratic Republic of the Congo. Due to ongoing conflict and food insecurity, 25 million Congolese are in need of humanitarian aid. This year alone the US has sent close to a billion dollars in aid to the DRC, making it the single largest donor to the crisis.
The Senate approved President Biden's appointment of Stacey Neumann of Maine, Meredith Vacca of New York, and Joseph Saporito Jr. of Pennsylvania to life time federal Judgeships. This brings the total of judges appointed by President Biden to 205. President Biden is the first President who's judicial nominations have not been majority white men, Judge Vacca is the first Asian American to serve in her district court. President Biden has also focused on former public defenders, like Judge Saporito, and former labor lawyers like Judge Neumann, as well as civil rights lawyers.
#Joe Biden#Thanks Biden#kamala harris#politics#US politics#American politics#climate change#antitrust#Google#trust busting#Ukraine#humanitarian aid#judges
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In less than a week, Sony has given us two timely reminders of the tenuousness of digital âownershipâ â and both reminders involve things on PlayStation. Last week, Sony said that, because of content licensing âarrangements,â users wouldnât be able to watch Discovery content theyâve purchased and that the content would be removed from their libraries as of December 31st, 2023. The resulting list of shows that will suddenly disappear because of corporate agreements is very long. Shows disappearing from streaming services is commonplace, but in this case, people are losing access to shows they bought to watch on demand whenever they wanted. Then, on Monday, many users were unexpectedly banned from their PlayStation Network accounts, meaning that not only were they blocked from playing multiplayer games or using cloud streaming but they were also locked out of games they purchased digitally from Sonyâs PlayStation marketplace. Affected users who may have spent years building a robust digital library were suddenly left without access to content they had bought through no fault of their own. It appears that Sony has since restored account access to people who were accidentally banned, but the company hasnât explained what happened or said how it might prevent similar unexpected bans in the future. (Sony hasnât replied to our multiple requests for comment.)
PlayStation keeps reminding us why digital ownership sucks
I got locked out of my PlayStation account yesterday, with no explanation or warning. I only play single player offline, so it didnât affect me like it did so many others, but holy shit Sony has made the best case, EVER, for buying real, physical, media ... or just fucking stealing it from some dodgy website, because when you do things the ârightâ way, you can lose it all, with no refund or recourse, because not a single executive at Sony gives a fuck about you and me.
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Hi!! Nimona Tangled AU my beloved đŁïžđŁïž
Here's drawings of some of the stuff I can remember of the movie woo
Also under the cut are some random thoughts too c:
(Apologies on any mistakes! I tried checking in to make sure that everything was correctly written)
-Save me, PNG of a frying pan.
-By the way, I've only watched the movie (several times) in Spanish, never in English, so not only I am writing what I can actually remember of the dialogue, but also I'm translating it into English djfdk clarifying this in case it feels weird
-I think it was Ambrosius' voice actor who mentioned about the discarded idea of the queen being Ambrosius' mother, but anyways here she is his mother and Ambrosius was stolen from his crib and all that
>Invented Ambrosius a dad called King Something-Something and the guy definitely cried like Rapunzel's dad when him and his wife were getting ready to send floating the first lantern (I swear, that scene is my favorite in the whole movie, it's just so aaa hitting me right in the daddy issues, he was missing his daughter so much)
>Then Queen Valerin wipes the king's tears very tenderly while feeling very melancholic herself, but she doesn't cry because she had accepted long ago that their son was never coming back, but she knows that her husband is still hopeful about it, even if each year he gets disappointed.
-Instead of it being Queen Valerin who was sick, it was Ambrosius who was born as a sickly baby (stealing comic Nimona's lore a bit here sjdkf), and so in all the kingdom they went to look for a cure for his sickness because otherwise they were sure he wouldn't make it.
>Then they find the flower and they give it to him and from then on he becomes a very healthy, robust baby. Also he started quickly growing blond hair with the weeks and they were like ? okay, but he's healthy, so-!
>(It would've been cool to color Ambrosius' tip of his blonde hair brown like his haircolor is supposed to be but I forgor and I'm too lazy to fix it sjdfkjs)
>Anyways the Director thought that she had lost the power of the flower forever since they fed it to the prince, but then she's like :0 bc hey it seems that the powers transferred to the baby. And she's like, well, that works too, and tried to get his hair but it didn't work so she planned on kidnapping him instead.
>Maybe she kidnapped him like when he was a toddler or lil kid under four or very young so he wouldn't remember his parents or anything prince-related, that's why twenty years went by and yet Ambrosius is older than that.
-I'm yet to keep reading rosemary-frog's tangled au fic but the idea of Ballister being Lord Blackheart is really cool and then him probably admitting that his name is just Ballister pipipi when he and Ambrosius are about to drown in that lil cave.
>Maybe Nimona starts narrating the story with something like 'this is the story of how Lord Blackheart/my boss/the villain died' or something very dramatic.
>Maybe he's surname-less and the queen names or knights him Boldheart or something aaa
>Ambrosius starts calling him Ballister and then just Balli wiwiw
-The director sometimes losing her cool and blaming Ambrosius over it (in a, look what you made me do, kinda way) [LIKE THAT THING IN AMPHIBIA SJDKFSJF the king just kills Marcy and is like oh look what you made me do :( ]
>She definitely applies that when she stabs Ballister nearly to the end of the story sdfjs like, look what you caused, Ambrosius, if only you had listened to me.
-Her not naming herself his mother to keep some distance between herself and the queen's kid, so just going along with her director title, since she is still the director in the institute or something, and how is Ambrosius going to know what a director actually is, anyway.
>He tried to call him mom once and she was like (ew) no, it's director, I'm not your mother (maybe he's told his parents abandoned him or tried to use his magic for their own evil benefit, and that's why the director decided to save and protect him, taking him to the tower).
>Ambrosius hasn't known anyone beside her tho, so she allows the occasional hug or gentle treatment. He's very touch-starved.
>She feels nothing for him, he's just useful and at the second of him rebelling she tries to kill him or whatever happened in the tangled movie sjdfkds
>Actually I think Rapunzel's mom wanted to take her away for no one to find them? Maybe the director was just so desperate to not lose Ambrosius' magic that she'd leave everything behind just to get to keep it for herself idk.
>Also she definitely tells him out there are monsters and stuff bc why not, anything to keep Ambrosius fearful of the outside world and keep him in the tower.
-Nimona doesn't like Ambrosius for calling her a monster, then over finding out that he whacked her boss in the head with a frying pan several times, and then for gatekeeping the crown that they stole.
-Nimona starting the Goldie nickname, Ballister following along, and Ambrosius not finding it amusing. Maybe Ballister comments something about having a thing for blondes during the whole thing of him and Ambrosius clearly liking each other (and Ambrosius' like oh?? I am a blond! đ).
>Later on, after the whole dying and reviving through Ambrosius' tears, Ballister says that he's crazy for brunettes actually and Ambrosius' like :D ??!! because Ballister is alive (and hey, he is a brunette! đ)
>Btw they definitely flirt in-between their mission of going to see the lanterns, even if Ambrosius isn't all too sure about what he's doing bc he has never flirted with anyone before, he just knows that saying things to Ballister that make the man look almost coy makes his heart go faster, and also of course receiving the flirting from Ballister.
>What if he applies all the stuff he had read in his books or something sjdkfjs he had only ever flirted with the mirror and now he gets to apply it to the very attractive man that is leading him to watch the lanterns sjdfkjf
-Nimona breaks Ballister out of jail exactly like in the Nimona movie and hurts lots of guards and jumps out of the building as it explodes and stuff.
-Since Nimona is sort of using Maximus' place in the movie (and any animal, like Pascal and also that bunny that Rapunzel gets scared of), let's say that the overly competent guard/knight here will have to be Todd and his team sjdkf
>They're after Ballister and Nimona, but since Ambrosius' there too they also chase him (running away from the law as a family, amarite)
-When they're in the lil' cave about to drown, both Nimona and Ballister have to pull Ambrosius out of the water when he keeps trying to push the rocks away, in desperation because how is he going to die this way.
>Nimona's like, Goldie stop! It's useless. Because she tried pounding the rocks in the biggest forms she could use and had to resist turning into a much bigger form in fear of squashing both men. And her smallest forms did nothing because they were completely sealed in, yet she was aware that both men were about to die and she wouldn't. Then Ambrosius turns to Ballister who just gently shakes his head, because it is a lost cause.
>Both Nimona and Ballister see him crying in guilt and stuff and Ballister says his actual name when Ambrosius says, I'm sorry, Nimona, Lord Blackheart-. Ballister admits that he isn't a Lord nor Blackheart, and that he actually has no last name. He's just Ballister.
>I'm not sure what Nimona would admit, like the being lonely thing, the pushing people away, or something to do with their powers? (but I doubt that one), maybe she just watches the other two share their small moment of truths.
>Ambrosius reveals that his hair glows when he sings. And so he does when he realizes that they could use that, and once there's a very small crack revealed by the light where his hair is trying to get out, Nimona puts her whole into using that and she finally manages to push all the stuff away.
-Ballister is like, his hair glows?! and Nimona's like, yeah and I change forms, so what?! a bit offendedly and Ballister's like, oh right.
>(Nimona getting offended on Ambrosius' behalf over Ballister freaking out about his powers/magic, reminding her a bit of when they first met and Ballister freaked out too. But Ambrosius couldn't care less about the guy freaking out, he's way too happy about being alive)
>Then he heals his right hand where he had a cut and all that and the whole talk of stuff.
-Imagine that same night that they have to spend resting, that Nimona and Ballister easily fall into a sleeping position that works to brace them (especially Ballister) against the cold of the night, and Ambrosius just staring with like a smile because isn't it great that those two get to have each other and be so familiar between each other to just do that?
>Then he prepares to lay on his own side to sleep, but Nimona just rolls her eyes and roughly pulls him into their pile, leaving him wrapped on her arms too. And there's Ambrosius and Ballister back-to-back, and Ballister just says 'goodnight' to him and Ambrosius mutters the same back, feeling something like a lump in his throat as he accommodates his head on Nimona's arm like a pillow.
>And Ballister throws Nimona a knowing look, because despite her not liking the blond much, she still felt some clear sympathy for him, both over him admitting that he had never left the tower, and the fact that they were similar somewhat, both had pretty cool powers that confused people.
>And the fact that Ambrosius getting locked into a tower so no one could use his powers was a bit similar to Nimona's situation in a way (if we're going with the comic lore for her)
>(maybe it was Nimona who muttered the 'you've never left the tower' in realization after Ambrosius said almost shyly the 'that's why I've never been out and...' and then he sighed defeatedly and then said the next stuff all resigned, and all that)
-When the whole dancing bit happens in the Kingdom, Ambrosius tries to keep Ballister as close as he can but apparently the dance meant to change partner every once in a while. In the end he forgets about holding his hand and finds that holding anyone's hand while dancing and moving around to the music is just as thrilling.
>But then they end chest to chest anyways and smiling at eachother wiwiw (like the art in this post by unironicallyresurrected waaa)
-Maybe something and something and Ballister loses his arm when the director tried to kill him, some way. Ambrosius' tears only fixed the injury and blood lose but it was already almost completely detached from Ballister's body, so it just laid there jsdfk
>How did he manage to cut Ambrosius' hair I have no idea, don't ask me đ maybe Nimona made act of presence at some point, I have no idea where to put her here, I doubt she'd be down after a smack from the Director in the same way it happened to Pascal sdfkj
>(But anyways wouldn't it be cool if she jumped to defend Ambrosius? pipipi is like Eugene and Maximus teaming up but it's Ambrosius and Nimona sdjfks)
-When Ballister and Nimona take Ambrosius with the king and queen, they step back and watch the whole family reunion go by and they're like :) bc hey look at the guy, he's crying his eyes out and hugging like his life depends on it to the queen, but he's happy wouu đŁïžđŁïž
>Anyways, the queen's hug is the warmest hug Ambrosius' had ever received (aside from Ballister's), and it's nothing like the Director's and he can't believe he has never been hugged like this in his life.
>Then Queen Valerin pulls Ballister into the hug and encourages Nimona to get in there too but she just shifts into a bigger animal and squeezes them all into a hug.
-Ambrosius gets a better haircut maybe, or maybe he keeps the bob cut I don't know đ dfjkj but his hair never grows longer bc the flower's power affected it or something like with Rapunzel.
-I think Ballister would be knighted or something, and then there's Nimona who's just doing her thing of being a little menace and being Ballister's sidekick, and Ambrosius is a good prince and is very happy of finally being outside and getting to know so many people yippiee
>And the director is dust in the air wouu
-Btw the last part in the movie is like this, because I think Ambrosius would say yes the second Ballister asked him to marry him unlike my pal Rapunzel, so- đ€š also Nimona is the main narrator like in the Nimona movie sjdkf
Nimona (narrating): And so, after years and years of begging and begging and even going to his knees by his feet... Ambrosius: I finally said yes đ Ballister: Hey- Ambrosius: Fine, it was me who begged đ§ Ballister (amused): And so they all lived... Nimona and Ambrosius: Happily ever after. [Happily ever after music and celebration]
>And then there's a drunk guy blowing a kiss to the audience or something đ§
That's it, thanks if you read till here!
#nimona#ambrosius goldenloin#ballister boldheart#goldenheart#tangled au#my art#i put more effort into some drawings than others sjdks#had a lot of fun drawing them all tho#I love these three so much#giving ballister some really red blood there apologies jsdfjsd#if I were to draw more stuff I'd probably add it into this post in a reblog but I doubt I will jdfkjd
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Expert agencies and elected legislatures
If you'd like an essay-formatted version of this post to read or share, here's a link to it on pluralistic.net, my surveillance-free, ad-free, tracker-free blog:
https://pluralistic.net/2024/11/21/policy-based-evidence/#decisions-decisions
Since Trump hijacked the Supreme Court, his backers have achieved many of their policy priorities: legalizing bribery, formalizing forced birth, and â with the Loper Bright case, neutering the expert agencies that regulate business:
https://jacobin.com/2024/07/scotus-decisions-chevron-immunity-loper
What the Supreme Court began, Elon Musk and Vivek Ramaswamy are now poised to finish, through the "Department of Government Efficiency," a fake agency whose acronym ("DOGE") continues Musk's long-running cryptocurrency memecoin pump-and-dump. The new department is absurd â imagine a department devoted to "efficiency" with two co-equal leaders who are both famously incapable of getting along with anyone â but that doesn't make it any less dangerous.
Expert agencies are often all that stands between us and extreme misadventure, even death. The modern world is full of modern questions, the kinds of questions that require a high degree of expert knowledge to answer, but also the kinds of questions whose answers you'd better get right.
You're not stupid, nor are you foolish. You could go and learn everything you need to know to evaluate the firmware on your antilock brakes and decide whether to trust them. You could figure out how to assess the Common Core curriculum for pedagogical soundness. You could learn the material science needed to evaluate the soundness of the joists that hold the roof up over your head. You could acquire the biology and chemistry chops to decide whether you want to trust produce that's been treated with Monsanto's Roundup pesticides. You could do the same for cell biology, virology, and epidemiology and decide whether to wear a mask and/or get an MRNA vaccine and/or buy a HEPA filter.
You could do any of these. You might even be able to do two or three of them. But you can't do all of them, and that list is just a small slice of all the highly technical questions that stand between you and misery or an early grave. Practically speaking, you aren't going to develop your own robust meatpacking hygiene standards, nor your own water treatment program, nor your own Boeing 737 MAX inspection protocol.
Markets don't solve this either. If they did, we wouldn't have to worry about chunks of Boeing jets falling on our heads. The reason we have agencies like the FDA (and enabling legislation like the Pure Food and Drug Act) is that markets failed to keep people from being murdered by profit-seeking snake-oil salesmen and radium suppository peddlers.
These vital questions need to be answered by experts, but that's easier said than done. After all, experts disagree about this stuff. Shortcuts for evaluating these disagreements ("distrust any expert whose employer has a stake in a technical question") are crude and often lead you astray. If you dismiss any expert employed by a firm that wants to bring a new product to market, you will lose out on the expertise of people who are so legitimately excited about the potential improvements of an idea that they quit their jobs and go to work for whomever has the best chance of realizing a product based on it. Sure, that doctor who works for a company with a new cancer cure might just be shilling for a big bonus â but maybe they joined the company because they have an informed, truthful belief that the new drug might really cure cancer.
What's more, the scientific method itself speaks against the idea of there being one, permanent answer to any big question. The method is designed as a process of continual refinement, where new evidence is continuously brought forward and evaluated, and where cherished ideas that are invalidated by new evidence are discarded and replaced with new ideas.
So how are we to survive and thrive in a world of questions we ourselves can't answer, that experts disagree about, and whose answers are only ever provisional?
The scientific method has an answer for this, too: refereed, adversarial peer review. The editors of major journals act as umpires in disputes among experts, exercising their editorial discernment to decide which questions are sufficiently in flux as to warrant taking up, then asking parties who disagree with a novel idea to do their damndest to punch holes in it. This process is by no means perfect, but, like democracy, it's the worst form of knowledge creation except for all others which have been tried.
Expert regulators bring this method to governance. They seek comment on technical matters of public concern, propose regulations based on them, invite all parties to comment on these regulations, weigh the evidence, and then pass a rule. This doesn't always get it right, but when it does work, your medicine doesn't poison you, the bridge doesn't collapse as you drive over it, and your airplane doesn't fall out of the sky.
Expert regulators work with legislators to provide an empirical basis for turning political choices into empirically grounded policies. Think of all the times you've heard about how the gerontocracy that dominates the House and the Senate is incapable of making good internet policy because "they're out of touch and don't understand technology." Even if this is true (and sometimes it is, as when Sen Ted Stevens ranted about the internet being "a series of tubes," not "a dump truck"), that doesn't mean that Congress can't make good internet policy.
After all, most Americans can safely drink their tap water, a novelty in human civilization, whose history amounts to short periods of thriving shattered at regular intervals by water-borne plagues. The fact that most of us can safely drink our water, but people who live in Flint (or remote indigenous reservations, or Louisiana's Cancer Alley) can't tells you that these neighbors of ours are being deliberately poisoned, as we know precisely how not to poison them.
How did we (most of us) get to the point where we can drink the water without shitting our guts out? It wasn't because we elected a bunch of water scientists! I don't know the precise number of microbiologists and water experts who've been elected to either house, but it's very small, and their contribution to good sanitation policy is negligible.
We got there by delegating these decisions to expert agencies. Congress formulates a political policy ("make the water safe") and the expert agency turns that policy into a technical program of regulation and enforcement, and your children live to drink another glass of water tomorrow.
Musk and Ramaswamy have set out to destroy this process. In their Wall Street Journal editorial, they explain that expert regulation is "undemocratic" because experts aren't elected:
https://www.wsj.com/opinion/musk-and-ramaswamy-the-doge-plan-to-reform-government-supreme-court-guidance-end-executive-power-grab-fa51c020
They've vowed to remove "thousands" of regulations, and to fire swathes of federal employees who are in charge of enforcing whatever remains:
https://www.theverge.com/2024/11/20/24301975/elon-musk-vivek-ramaswamy-doge-plan
And all this is meant to take place on an accelerated timeline, between now and July 4, 2026 â a timeline that precludes any meaningful assessment of the likely consequences of abolishing the regulations they'll get rid of.
"Chesterton's Fence" â a thought experiment from the novelist GK Chesterton â is instructive here:
There exists in such a case a certain institution or law; let us say, for the sake of simplicity, a fence or gate erected across a road. The more modern type of reformer goes gaily up to it and says, "I don't see the use of this; let us clear it away." To which the more intelligent type of reformer will do well to answer: "If you don't see the use of it, I certainly won't let you clear it away. Go away and think. Then, when you can come back and tell me that you do see the use of it, I may allow you to destroy it.
A regulation that works might well produce no visible sign that it's working. If your water purification system works, everything is fine. It's only when you get rid of the sanitation system that you discover why it was there in the first place, a realization that might well arrive as you expire in a slick of watery stool with a rectum so prolapsed the survivors can use it as a handle when they drag your corpse to the mass burial pits.
When Musk and Ramaswamy decry the influence of "unelected bureaucrats" on your life as "undemocratic," they sound reasonable. If unelected bureaucrats were permitted to set policy without democratic instruction or oversight, that would be autocracy.
Indeed, it would resemble life on the Tesla factory floor: that most autocratic of institutions, where you are at the mercy of the unelected and unqualified CEO of Tesla, who holds the purely ceremonial title of "Chief Engineer" and who paid the company's true founders to falsely describe him as its founder.
But that's not how it works! At its best, expert regulations turns political choices in to policy that reflects the will of democratically accountable, elected representatives. Sometimes this fails, and when it does, the answer is to fix the system â not abolish it.
I have a favorite example of this politics/empiricism fusion. It comes from the UK, where, in 2008, the eminent psychopharmacologist David Nutt was appointed as the "drug czar" to the government. Parliament had determined to overhaul its system of drug classification, and they wanted expert advice:
https://locusmag.com/2021/05/cory-doctorow-qualia/
To provide this advice, Nutt convened a panel of drug experts from different disciplines and asked them to rate each drug in question on how dangerous it was for its user; for its user's family; and for broader society. These rankings were averaged, and then a statistical model was used to determine which drugs were always very dangerous, no matter which group's safety you prioritized, and which drugs were never very dangerous, no matter which group you prioritized.
Empirically, the "always dangerous" drugs should be in the most restricted category. The "never very dangerous" drugs should be at the other end of the scale. Parliament had asked how to rank drugs by their danger, and for these categories, there were clear, factual answers to Parliament's question.
But there were many drugs that didn't always belong in either category: drugs whose danger score changed dramatically based on whether you were more concerned about individual harms, familial harms, or societal harms. This prioritization has no empirical basis: it's a purely political question.
So Nutt and his panel said to Parliament, "Tell us which of these priorities matter the most to you, and we will tell you where these changeable drugs belong in your schedule of restricted substances." In other words, politicians make political determinations, and then experts turn those choices into empirically supported policies.
This is how policy by "unelected bureaucrats" can still be "democratic."
But the Nutt story doesn't end there. Nutt butted heads with politicians, who kept insisting that he retract factual, evidence-supported statements (like "alcohol is more harmful than cannabis"). Nutt refused to do so. It wasn't that he was telling politicians which decisions to make, but he took it as his duty to point out when those decisions did not reflect the policies they were said to be in support of. Eventually, Nutt was fired for his commitment to empirical truth. The UK press dubbed this "The Nutt Sack Affair" and you can read all about it in Nutt's superb book Drugs Without the Hot Air, an indispensable primer on the drug war and its many harms:
https://www.bloomsbury.com/us/drugs-without-the-hot-air-9780857844989/
Congress can't make these decisions. We don't elect enough water experts, virologists, geologists, oncology researchers, structural engineers, aerospace safety experts, pedagogists, gerontoloists, physicists and other experts for Congress to turn its political choices into policy. Mostly, we elect lawyers. Lawyers can do many things, but if you ask a lawyer to tell you how to make your drinking water safe, you will likely die a horrible death.
That's the point. The idea that we should just trust the market to figure this out, or that all regulation should be expressly written into law, is just a way of saying, "you will likely die a horrible death."
Trump â and his hatchet men Musk and Ramaswamy â are not setting out to create evidence-based policy. They are pursuing policy-based evidence, firing everyone capable of telling them how to turn the values espouse (prosperity and safety for all Americans) into policy.
They dress this up in the language of democracy, but the destruction of the expert agencies that turn the political will of our representatives into our daily lives is anything but democratic. It's a prelude to transforming the nation into a land of epistemological chaos, where you never know what's coming out of your faucet.
#pluralistic#politics#political science#department of government efficiency#loper bright#chevron deference#david nutt#drugs#regulation#democracy#democratic accountability#ukpoli#nutt sack affair#war on drugs#war on some drugs
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Robust Legal Case Management | Mycase365.com
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Robust Legal Case Management
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bad blood / scott miller x reader
summary: set after twisters. when scott initiates a lawsuit against javi and his new business partners, they choose to take you on as their attorneyâno matter that you and scott were once high school sweethearts, that you still have his ring in your closet, or that things between you ended catastrophically six years past. this is business. no need to go down memory lane⊠right?
content warnings: f!reader, alcohol use, language, offscreen parental death, one open door scene (unprotected piv), couple angst, riggs is his own walking red flag, questionable legal ethics
word count: 21.6k (sorry, guys đŹ)
authorâs note: here it is! i tried to rein in the length, but clearly i failed âđŒ shoutout to @hederasgarden and @sailor-aviator for giving scott his fandom-approved surname. on a final note, i am not a lawyer, i took one (1) business law class in college, so donât take my word on any of this and definitely donât do stuff with your ex while heâs the opposing party in a case youâre working (but if itâs david corenswet, i meannnn⊠should anyone be blamed?)
PRESENT DAY OKLAHOMA CITY
Well-meaning, and with typical Arkansan practicality, Tyler Owens leaned back in his chair and said, âJavi, you need to chill out, man.â
Immediately, you knew it was the wrong thing to say.
âWhat makes you think Iâm not? It's not like my entire livelihood is on the line or anything, so why would I not be chilled out?âDammit!â
âActually, lose the tie,â you suggested, having watched him fumble for the last five minutes. You were sure it was nerves that did it, not a lack of dexterity.
Javi sighed and let the two ends hang pathetically around his neck. âI thought I was supposed to wear oneâŠâ
âI think thatâs only for court,â Kate put in, âlike with an actual judge and stuff.â
âMaybe in the 1970s,â remarked Tyler under his breath. Javi glared. âBro, itâs gonna be fine.â
âWe should be out there, tracking tornadoes!â There was a mounted television in the little waiting area, playing a 24-hour news channel on mute. Javi gestured at the weather report. It was March, and Tornado Alley was looking active, ârobust,â as the weatherman put it⊠not that your clients would know firsthand, seeing as they were stuck in a high-rise in the city instead of out in the fields of Sapulpa County. Kate and Tyler were watching the radar images with twin expressions of restless longing. Javi yanked the tie from his neck. âThat son of a bitch knew exactly what he was doing, tying us up in meetings at this time of year.â
âYeah, he did,â you replied. âI know itâs inconvenient as shit, but believe me, Iâm going to do everything I can to get you back out on the field. Thereâs no reason for all three of you to be here. I mean, itâs the modern age: some of this could be a Zoom meeting.â
 âYou think weâre gonna Zoom in the middle of a storm?â Tyler quipped. Kate turned to him with a chastising look.
She was clearly just about as done as her other two partners, but a lot more level-headed about the fact that they were being sued for everything they had. Which you appreciated. Suits between friends and former business associates had a tendency to turn into mud-slinging wars, and there was nothing you hated more than a client stuck in denial. Kate was the opposite. She was cool-headed, calm. A happy medium between Tylerâs annoyed outrage (âwho does this guy think he is!â) and Javiâs frustrated melancholy (âguys, Iâm sorry, this is all my faultâ).
Right now, Javi was sinking well into the latter.
âJust remember weâre here for you, Javi.â Kate rubbed a soothing hand across his back. âAll the way. We know this is personal.â
âYeah, which means itâs gonna get ugly. I hate the thought of our company going under because I had shitty taste in business partners, you know?â
âWell, you don't anymore. Thatâs character growth,â Tyler pointed out. âNow, Iâm no legal expert, but as far as I can see, heâs got no legs to stand onââ
You held up a finger. âUh, thatâs not entirely trueâŠâ
ââand heâs going to come out of this looking like a complete and total tool. Which he is! If he wants to spend all this time and boatloads of his uncleâs money on a belligerent witch hunt, then so be it.â
âYou mean our time, our money,â said Javi.
Kate looked at you. âIf this ends up going to court, is it likely heâll win?â
You sighed. âOkay, listen.â You sat on the coffee table. There was no avoiding the sight of three pairs of eyes with varying degrees of hopefulness trained on you, hanging onto your every word. Javi you had known before, but after a brief acquaintance, youâd decided that you liked Kate and Tyler too, had even spent an hour or two watching Tornado Wrangler videos on YouTube, and, while storm chasing seemed, well, kind of unhinged, their enthusiasm was contagious. They were passionate, not in a purely thrill-seeking or overly scientific way. They actually cared. And you wanted them to win. âThe whole point,â you explained, âis that weâre trying to avoid this going to trial. If youâre looking to cut down on the cost to your bottom lineânot to mention how this could drag on for literal yearsâitâs best to reach a settlement before this ever sees the inside of a courtroom. Either way, things are going to get a little worse before they get better. But the point is a clean break, right? When all this is over, StormPAR will never have any sort of claim over you. Youâll be free to chase storms, build your doo-dadsââ
That got you a trio of chuckles. Good, let them think you were a meteorological idiot; all the better to make them feel like a united front.
ââand itâll be like Scott and Riggs never happened.â
âSounds good to me,â Tyler said, that steely determination from his old rodeo days coming through.
Kate gave a nod. âNo matter what, weâll be okayâ
Javi put his hand on your knee. âThank you⊠for everything. I know this has gotta suck for you too.â
âWho, me?â you asked, feigning ignorance. âIâm fine.â
âMm-hmâŠâ
âDo I not look fine?â
âYou look great,â Kate said honestly.
âMillerâs gonna shit his pants.â
âTyler!â
âHey, weâre up,â your assistant announced, her fingers not pausing for a second as she typed on her phone. Abby may have the social skills of a polar bear, but her organizational skills were top-notch and you relied on her predatory instincts. Plus, you were sure that her geometrically perfect French bob had magical powers.
Signaling for the others to follow, you made your way down a hallway bordered by walls banded in frosted glass, the sound of typing and muffled phone calls familiar and yet not. This was enemy territory. Having you meet here instead of at the offices of Conway & Fine was a calculated move.
Before entering the conference room, you took Tyler by the elbow. âPlease just⊠try to behave yourself.â
Me? He pointed at his face.
âYes, you! Donât provoke himâas a matter of fact, donât even look at himâdon't piss him off unless you want to make this a hell of a lot worse for everyone. Capisce?â
âIâll be the picture of civility.â
You shot him a skeptical look.
âIâll be a gentleman!â
You glared. âTyler Owens, Iâm holding you to that.â Adjusting your power suit, you put on your best Professional Face. âAlright guys, itâs showtime.â
Through the glass, your eyes landed on Scott. The temptation to bolt left you breathless, though you couldnât say whether you wanted to run towards or far, far away. You wouldnât. You were all too aware of the people standing behind you, counting on you, while Scott himself had been a stranger to you for the last few years.
You owed him nothing; this was simply business, you reminded yourself.
Simply business.
He turned his head and spotted you, and kept his eyes on you as you opened the door.
TEN YEARS AGO PARK HAVEN, PENNSYLVANIA
Youâd been working on the same calculus assignment for the last three-quarters of an hour, the sound of rain lashing against your window doing nothing for your frazzled nerves. While math was by no means your obvious strong suit, you would have finished by now if you hadnât spent most of it staring at the wall beneath your windowsill, bouncing your leg, tapping your pencil compulsively against the edge of your AP textbook and imagining all the ways in which your life could go horribly, unfixably wrong. An outcome that now seemed likely.
âYou still have time, sweetheart,â your mom tried to say at dinner that night. She smiled at you and patted your hand. âItâs only March.â
âExactlyâitâs March!â youâd wanted to say, but bit your tongue. There wasn't any point; your mom would always believe you were capable of walking on the moon, which was lovely, you guessed. Or it would be, if all your classmates weren't overachievers and if a lot of them hadn't already received acceptance letters and stuck pennants to the inside of their lockers for all the rejects to see.
It was hopeless⊠you shouldâve gotten an answer by now.
Tossing the book and papers away, you buried your face in your hands and tried to hold it together. The sleeves of your sweatshirt emanated a woodsy, clean smell, kind of like rain in a forest, and you breathed in deep to let it ground you.
Slowly, the intensity of the storm outside faded to background noise, no longer angry, insistentâit was only rain after all, only weather. You sniffed, feeling silly, and snuggled into the navy-blue sweatshirt, wrapping your arms around your knees. The gold lettering read NICHOLS ACADEMY ATHLETICS. On you, it was practically a dress, and youâd been living in it all week, ignoring Momâs teases about how âyouâre going to have to wash it at some point!â while your dad watched you pass by, saying nothing, only flipping the page of whatever biography he was reading, not wanting to comment or so much as reference your boyfriend of two years, who played center field on Nicholsâs prize baseball team and from whom youâd stolen the sweatshirt after a date at the park.
Try as you might, your dad had never warmed up to Scott, but you thought it had more to do with an objection to Scottâs father rather than to Scott himself. The whole familyâs trouble, he said once, prompting a fight that ended with you slamming your bedroom door and not speaking to him for two days, until your mom laid down the law and said she wouldn't have that sort of tension around the house.
He didnât get it. Scott wasn't like his fatherâif anything, you saw the way his jaw tensed whenever he heard rumors (whispered, unless intended to get a rise out of him by a school rival) about the private club scenes, the drinking, the reckless gambling, the other women. Of course your straitlaced dad assumed the apple wouldn't fall too far from the tree, but you knew Scott. You trusted him. And, fine, so you were seventeen, but you knew you wanted to spend the rest of your life with himâit happened, didn't it?
Granted, this was why that damned letter was so important. It was the perfect plan⊠so long as Scott got into MIT, which seemed like a given, and you into Harvard, the culmination of four years of meticulous planning and candle-burning work. But what if it didnât happen? Could your relationship survive the time and long distance? As much as you hoped so, you didnât want to find out.
Out of nowhere came sharp rap at your window. Startled, you looked up to see a familiar face peering through the rain-lashed glass, and automatically you sprang to your feet. âScott! What the hell were you thinking!â you hissed, mindful of your parents, probably in bed at this hour. He paused halfway through the window, pretending offense.
âWow, okay, here I thought I was making a big romantic gestureâŠâ
âYouâre soaking wet! You couldâve fallen and broken your neck!â
As you lowered and latched the window behind him, trying to be as quiet as possible, he defended, âIâm a tree connoisseur. If anything, Iâm a that-tree connoisseur and sheâs never let me down before. Literally. Sturdy branches on her.â
He had a point there. The tree directly outside your bedroom window had played makeshift ladder to him over the last couple of yearsânot that your parents were any the wiser. If your dad knew, heâd go straight to the nearest hardware store and buy the ax himself. (What he would do with that ax, having never done a dayâs manual labor in his life besides recreational fishing, was beyond you.)
You shook your head, watching Scott drip all over the hardwood. God, he was stunning.
And there was a chance you might lose him forever in a few months.
You felt the sting in your throat and behind your eyes. âIâll go get you a towel,â you said, averting your face and turning towards the ensuite so you could get a few seconds to yourself. He caught you by the wrist and spun you into his body.
âWait a minute, kiss me first,â he demanded, a cocky grin on his face. You managed to see a flash of it before his lips met yours. You closed your eyes in spite of everything, melting into the kiss, into Scott, because it was as easy as breathing and just as pointless trying to resist.
His cheeks were cold, his mouth warm. Coaxing. The pressure of his hands on your waist like an anchor in the storm. He was perfect for you. How could you belong with anyone else? It was impossible.
His tongue brushed your bottom lip, and it was a move so practiced, so instinctive, so perfectly well-known, that it made the fear swell in your chest again. You held onto the front of his rain-drenched hoodie, breaking the kiss. Your breathing was ragged. You felt you could burst.
âYouâre insane,â you tried to cover, burying your head in his chest. âMy dad will kill you if he catches you.â
He took a step back and tilted your face up, gently, by the chin. âWhatâs wrong?â
âNothing,â you replied.
âTell me.â
Instead of answering, you made your way to the bathroom and got a towel out of the linen closet. You could feel Scottâs questioning gaze, but he waited, rubbing the towel across his head, brows knitted together as you hesitated, still trying to hedge. âI justâwe have that exam next week and Iâve fallen behind on calc and I think Iâm going to have to start over on my AP Civ end-of-the-year project, and my momââ
âYour momâs great,â Scott interjected.
âWhy, dâyou want her?â
He pursed his lips. As soon as you said it, you knew that it had sounded kind of bitchy.
âFine, okay. Sheâs great, sheâs just⊠trying to help.â
âIs this about Drexler getting her Harvard letter? Because itâs onlyââ
âIt's only March. Yeah. Thatâs what Mom said. But Iâm cutting it close, right? Some people got their letters in December, ScottâDecember!â You looked down at your feet. âIâm not going to get in.â
âYou donât know that.â
âWell, it sure feels like it!â
âCâmere.â
âNo.â You shook your head.
âCome here,â he insisted, tossing the damp towel onto your bed and holding your arms loosely, his hands stroking up and down. No matter how much you held onto the scent-memory of him on his Nichols sweatshirt, nothing compares to the real thing. He made everything better; and if not, he made everything feel like it could get better, because he was Scott Miller, and the world bent to his charm or else. âYouâre going to get in,â he said, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear. âTheyâd be crazy not to have you.â And the thing was, despite being utterly convinced only two minutes before that the worst was inevitable, you wanted to believe him, wanted to convince yourself that everything would settle into place as it should.
Scott dipped his head to brush his lips against yours, a deliberate barely-there sweep that made your eyes flutter closed and your arms lace around the wide breadth of his shoulders. Scottâs hands traveled down your back, pressing into your hips until you were flush against the length of his body. You felt him smile as he let you deepen the kiss, and the little rumble of his almost-laugh pinged all the way down to your toes, warming you from the inside the way only Scott could.
As his mouth moved down to your jaw and then the side of your neck, you slid your hands down his chest and then stopped, feeling something other than the hidden planes of his stomach through the fabric of his dark hoodie. You pulled away. Scottâs face had frozen into a look of mild panic and his hands wrapped around your wrists, holding them loosely, which only made the alarm bells ring louder in your head. That was not the sort of face he would make if he was hoarding old receipts.
âScott?â you asked. He looked away, exhaled, and let your wrists drop with a resigned expression. You reached into his pocket, pulling out a sheet of white letter paper folded into quarters, carefully and with Scott-like precision. âWhatâŠâ you began, glancing at him briefly and opening the sheet.
At the top, in cardinal red: Massachusetts Institute of Technology.
You might have gasped. At the very least, one of your hands flew up to your mouth. âOh my God⊠ScottâŠâ
âWe donât have to talk about it now.â
âScott! This is from MIT! You got in?â
âIt's really not a big deal.â He shoved his hands in his pockets, his shoulders curved slightly inward.
Not a big deal? âScott, shut up! You got in!â you exclaimed, aghast.
âYouâre not upset?â
âDonât be ridiculous!â You set the letter down to the side, knowing heâd want to keep itâthat so much as folding it and putting it in his pocket so he could make the ten-minute run to your house in the middle of a downpour must have been a minor sacrifice on your account. Because he wanted to tell you. Because he wanted you to be the first person other than his mom to hear the good news. âWeâve talked about this. This is your dream school, babe.â
âYeah, well, it feels kinda shitty celebrating now.â
âStop.â You reached up and gave him a peck on the lips, stroking his cheeks, resting your forehead against his. âI'm so freaking proud of you. Youâre going to be the best, most kick-ass engineer.â
You looked into his eyes so that heâd know it was true, and for a moment you could tell he was letting himself feel the achievementâhis shoulders relaxed, he caressed your hands gratefully, but there was something about his smile that signaled not all being well.
âI heard Mom talking on the phone with my uncle today,â he confessed.
âYour uncle Riggs? Down in New Orleans?â
âYeah. She doesn't want me to know, but I heard her talking about college andâŠâ
You placed your hands on his chest. âIs it that bad?â
He didn't like talking about it but you knew his father had made a few bad investments lately, and from your own dad, who had confided it to your mom in secret one nightânot that he saw you lurking outside the kitchen, drawn by the mention of the name âMillerââyou were aware that he had made a truly catastrophic impulsive bet with some Swedish businessmen heâd been trying to impress. Add to that the drawn look on Mrs. Millerâs face whenever you saw her, and the overly sympathetic way your mom referred to âpoor Pamela,â and you had enough evidence to assume that Scottâs father had royally fucked up this time.Â
âTheyâve been talking about selling the house,â he said with a dark look. âI think my parents are going to split up⊠for good this time.â
âOh, ScottâŠâ
âSo who knows? I might not be able to go to MIT anywayâeven with this.â
âAre you okay?â you asked, aware that nothing got his back up more than pity. But you had to ask.
He shrugged. âIt is what it is.â
This was a side of him youâd never learned how to handle, not even after two years of dating. For all that he was an expert at making you feel like the world was yours for the taking, when it came to his own struggles, he was a tightly closed book. Instead of admitting when he was hurt or disappointed, he resorted to indifference and the kind of dark humor that could put you in a bad mood if you weren't careful.
Right now, all you wanted was for him to know that you were there for him. Nothing you could say or do would make Ray Miller grow practical common sense or an ounce of familial considerationâyou weren't even sure that he knew your name, despite being Scottâs long-term girlfriend; he was hardly ever home, and never present even on the occasions when he was. But you could state the obvious, just in case heâd doubted it for a second.
âHey, I love you,â you said to him.
âI love you, too,â he replied. âNow, no more shop talkâwhy do you think I risked my neck climbing up here?â And just like that, the matter was closed, the dark look disappeared, replaced by the telltale lowering of his dark lashes as he dropped another kiss at the side of your neck, his arms tightening around you, turning you so that the backs of your knees hit the edge of your bed.
âAnd here I thought your intentions were pure,â you replied, trying to downplay the butterflies in your stomach.
âDarling, thereâs no such thing⊠especially when it comes to you.â
âWhat an idealist,â you rejoined, then fell quiet when he kissed you again. Without missing a beat, he lowered you onto the bed, hands gliding beneath your sweatshirt with apparent purpose. âScott,â you protested, âmy parents are across the hall.â
âSo weâll be quiet. Or weâll get caught. What's the worst that could happen?â
âUm, you flying headfirst out that window?â
He pretended to think about it, then, by the warm glow of your bedside lamp, you saw his mouth quirk into a smirk before he dove towards your lips, eyes twinkling. âI donât know about you, but that sounds like a price Iâm willing to pay.â
PRESENT DAY OKLAHOMA CITY
âThe damages your client is seeking are absolutely unreasonable. I would even say they border on the ridiculousâand, quite frankly, even frivolous!â
âFrivolous! Your client founded his new company with StormPAR assetsââ
âHis assets!â
ââaccumulated during his tenure as a business partner to my client. Assets which came out of the pocket of Mr. Riggs as well, might I remind you!â
âWe were equal partners!â Javi exclaimed, no longer able to keep his temper in check. You supposed the moment you snapped at Mr. Rankin, Javi figured the gloves were off.
Maybe instead of worrying about Tyler, you should've worried about yourself.
Rankin stabbed a finger at the files stacked in front of him. âExactly, and Mr. Miller deserves to be compensated for the financial losses incurred from your breach of contract.â
Javi balked. âWhat, I canât decide to leave my own company?â
âYou can do whatever the hell you want, just not with my money,â Scott said in a dangerous monotone. For the last half-hour youâd been trying not to look at him, focusing instead on his middle-aged bespectacled lawyer, but to say you weren't losing your shit would be disproven by the Montblanc youâve been fidgeting with since the meeting began. When he wasnât glaring daggers at his former business partner, you could feel the power of his gaze, daring you to meet his eyes again.
âOh, you mean your uncleâs money?â
âJavi.â You touched his hand in warning.
âYou weren't turning your nose up at my uncleâs money when you were trying to found StormPAR.â Scott gibed. In your periphery, you saw Kate rubbing her left temple.
âMe? I thought we were partners, partner.â
âLike you give a shit! You jumped ship, Javiâyou jumped ship, set up shop with the opposition, then hired my ex-girlfriend so you could get away with robbing us blind!â
You gritted your teeth. âMr. Rankin, control your client.â
ââControl your clientâ?â Scott spat out, leaning forward and turning the dial up to ten. âWhat the hell is wrong with you? What are you even doing here?â
âMy job, Mr. Miller.â This time you did risk staring him in the face, ignoring the play of light on his cheekbones, the shape of his lips, the triangle of exposed skin at his throat that you used to know so well. âI work for StormLab. You might find my presence objectionable, but thatâs neither here nor there as long as my clients choose to keep me on retainer. If you don't like it, youâre free to leave and we can negotiate with Mr. Rankin directly.â
He said nothing. Scott was never at a loss for words unless he was well and truly pissed, the force of his intelligence diverted into barely suppressed anger. You could've heard a pin drop in that conference room. His hands were on top of the table, tense, almost shaking, and the rise and fall of his chest was visible even to you. Against your will, your brain threw up images of those same hands holding yours, threaded through your hair, brushing gently against the small of your back; those same arms drawing you close; the same mouth smiling.
You cleared your throat, shuffled a few papers around, and once again addressed the general room and Mr. Rankin. âNow, if you turn to page 16, youâll see that Mr. Rivera is willing to formally sell his share of StormPAR for less than heâs entitledâif both Mr. Miller and Mr. Riggs agree to desist in interference with StormLab, which, need I remind you, was founded two-thirds of the way with assets entirely independent from the former. If this actionâs purpose isnât frivolous, then Mr. Owens and Ms. Carter should be removed from this suit.â
âLike hell,â Scott interrupted, prompting Javi to fire back with:
âWhat, you think weâre not good for it? Iâll have you knowââ
âYou expect me to believe you started your little company on the merits of an NWS salary and a fucking YouTube channel?â
Out of the corner of your eye, you saw Tyler lean forward, ready to pounce. Rankin muttered, âLanguage,â and pushed his eyeglasses up his nose. You knew he was a personal friend of Scottâs uncleâyou could also tell that he would rather be out on the golf course than in the middle of this friend-divorce and embarrassing squabble, one where his input seemed superfluous and his counsel went unheeded even by his client.
Scott went on, full of accusation. âYou used StormPAR money, didnât you?â
âIf you want to request any financial disclosuresâŠâ you began.
âWeâre talking.â
Bitch. âNo, youâre berating,â you shot back.
Javi put his hand on your wrist. âItâs fine. YeahâI guess if you want to look at it that way, if I was making a living off StormPAR and taking Riggsâs money, then yeah, technically my share of StormLab exists because of what we had.â
âJavi.â
âNo. Fairâs fair and all that. I donât want any part of it anymore. Hell, you can have it. But come on, man, donât pretend youâre doing any of this because youâre broke. Even if I gave you half of whatever StormPARâs worth, it wouldnât make a difference. Youâre mad that I left. I get it. Letâs settle this, you and me. Leave Kate and Tyler out of it.â
âYou stole our data!â
Now, that couldn't stand. âHe made the executive decision to share data with Mr. Owensâs team.â Sure, it was a technicality but it was a true technicality.
âBullshit!â
You sighed. âAre we getting anywhere here, Rankin?â
The lawyer glanced down at his watch and shook his head almost mournfully. âItâs not looking likely.â
âWonderful.â You stood up, gathering your things and motioning for Kate, Tyler, and Javi to do the same. âWell, weâre all very busy people and clearly meeting in-person is counterproductive. Shall we agree to make this a video call next time? My clients have places to be.â
âIâll bet they do,â Scott mocked, staring not only at Javi but at his new partners for probably the first time all afternoon. âHowâre your investors doing, by the way, knowing youâre getting sued for infringement, breach of contract and fiduciary dutyâŠâ
You wanted to strangle him. In a voice that matched him venom for venom, you turned to your assistant and said, âDid you get that on record, Abby? Please, keep going,â you urged Scott, âyou might just win us a dismissal.â
After a moment of charged silence, you told your clients: âWeâre done here.â
âYouâll be hearing from me,â said the reluctant Mr. Rankin.
You snatched the chrome door handle from Tyler. âBoy, am I looking forward to it.â
Outside, you didnât stop until youâd turned the corner into another section of the office, not wanting to be within eyeshot of Scott when you gritted your teeth and let the mask of cool indifference fall.
âWell, that wentâŠâ Tyler trailed off, leaning against the metal doorframe of Copy Room 3. The smell of toner and ozone was strangely comforting, bringing you back to your professional self now that Scott and his stupid, handsome-as-ever face were out of view. That, and you were noticing that Tyler Owens in a corporate-adjacent setting didnât sit well with you; you couldnât decide whether it was the outdoor tan or the in-your-face belt-buckle that gave it away. Regardless, he seemed too big for the confines of a downtown law office.
âIt went like a garbage fire,â you confirmed, âwhich means about as well as I expected.â
Kate crossed her arms. âSo weâre going to court, then.â
âIâm going to keep pushing for him to drop StormLab from the suit.â
âThat just leaves me,â Javi remarked, downcast, but still willing to take one for the team.
âI mean, Javi, dear, you did abandon the partnership without ironing out all the kinks first.â
âHow was I supposed to know I needed to hire a lawyer?â
âUm, literally everyone knows youâre supposed to hire a lawyer,â said Tyler, âespecially if youâre dealing with someone like Textbook Type A over there.â
Javi ran a hand down his face, then shook his head. âWhat can I say? I-I thought he was my friend.â
âI know.â You clapped your hand on Javiâs shoulder. I understand. âBut sometimes all that does is make it worse.â
After a bit more commiserating you parted ways with the three, hanging back with Abby to touch base on a few points and clear up the rest of your schedule, which included a deposition in an hour-and-a-half and witness prep at 4:30. Understandably, you were in the mood for none of this and wanted nothing more than to retire to your apartment with a glass of red and a bowl of popcorn as big as your head à la Olivia Pope, but alas⊠you were trying to make junior partner.
No rest for the wicked and all that.
You released Abby for a late lunch and made your way to the bank of elevators after a brief pit stop at the restroom, side-eyeing the fancy automatic taps and the whiff of something hotel-like emanating from the vents. Youâd have to tell the office manager at Conway & Fine to up your game.
Fishing your phone out of your bag, you pushed the elevator button and began scrolling through a frightful amount of emailsâthere were intraoffice communications and check-in requests from clients, a few items of junk not caught by the email filter, the latest newsletters from PennAlumni and the Oklahoma Bar Association, as well as an invitation to an old mentorâs golden anniversary celebration. You were in the middle of responding to this when Scott sidled up next to you, giving no indication other than the familiar scent of his cologne and the tap of shined leather shoes against the polished tile. Of all the bad luckâŠ
âSo what is this, some kind of a decade-old revenge plot?â he finally asked, disconcerting you with the fact that he was standing so close to you that you couldn't glance at his expression without craning your neck. âMaybe I shouldâve expected it from you, but Javi? I didn't know he had it in him.â
âGo away, Scott. This is business.â
âReally, is that what you want to call it? He could've hired anyone.â
âWell, he chose to hire a friend.â
âRightâŠâ A laugh. Dry, cynical. âAnd what's your excuse?â
You stared at the light above the door, willing it to flash green and put you out of your misery. âBelieve it or not, my taking this case has nothing to do with you. Forgive me if I thought you could be a fucking adult about itâclearly I was wrong.â
Ding!
You walked into the elevator without looking back. As parting words went, you thought they passed muster. Except, instead of being a regular person and taking the next car, Scott followed you in, ignoring the outrage written plain on your face.
You looked at him as if to say, âDo you mind?â It was obvious that he didn't. Whatever composure heâd lost in the conference room had been regained now that it was just you, and him, and the shared knowledge that you would have avoided being alone with him if you could.
He stood next to you, towering. As the floor number inched downward from 22, you were all too aware of his presence: the Scott smell of him, the warmth of his body, and the brush of his dark linen jacket against your arm. You wished you handed discarded your own in the restroom; you needed armor, and while Scott had donned his as soon as he was able, he had caught you unawares, expecting him to play fair even when all the evidence of the last two hours had told you that âfairâ was no longer in his vocabulary.
As if to illustrate the point, you felt him lean in, his voice the closest it had been in over six years. âYou always did love making a show of taking the moral high ground. Howâs the view, sweetheart? You must love getting the chance to look down on me for change.â
âWhat the hell is wrong with you?â Not bothering to contain your disgust, you stepped away from him, clutching your bag in a white-knuckle grip. For a moment you felt struck by lightning. There was a time when you knew the planes of his face better than your ownâthe slope of his nose, the variations of blue in his eyes; you knew the shade of his hair in every light; how to tell a false smile from the true. But this Scott⊠the one with the shuttered expression, the see-if-I-care set to his shoulders, âhowâre your investors doing, by the wayâ⊠It wasnât like those things came out of left fieldâScott had always been capable of a certain amount of pride, petulance, vindictiveness, even. But it was like the best parts of him had been filed away, or else hidden so deep that you couldn't find nary a sight of them when you looked into his face. âWhat happened to you?â
You saw his jaw clench. âIf you want to know, then you shouldnât have left.â
8âŠ
7âŠ
6âŠ
You took a breath. âThat whole last yearâyou pushed me away and you know it.â
Instead of answering your honesty in kind, Scott hitched up his sleeve so he could glance at the time on his fancy Swiss watch, a present from Good Old Uncle Riggs on the event of his graduation from MIT. âYeah, well, you made it easy.â
4âŠ
3âŠ
2âŠ
The doors opened onto a vast lobby. Incredulous, you kept waiting for him to take his words back, to apologize, to so much as glance at you, damn it. When you saw there wasn't any point, you swallowed the knot in your throat, stepping out of the elevator car and feeling twenty-one all over again.
This time, he didn't follow you. He leaned against the back handrail, not reacting even when you mustered every remaining ounce of dignity to say, âGo fuck yourself, Scott.â Then you turned on your heel and walked away.
TEN YEARS AGO PARK HAVEN, PENNSYLVANIA
Once more on your bedroom floor. Scott sat at your back, his arms wrapped around you and his head bent over yours. âHey, listen to me⊠weâll make it work. Iâll call you every day.â
âWith a full slate of classes? That doesn't make any sense.â
âI donât care if it doesn't. Hey,ââhe kissed your templeââitâs you and me. That doesnât need to changeâ
âYou say that nowâŠâ
âDonât you trust me?â
âOf course I do.â You sighed. âItâs the hot nerds I donât trust.â
You felt him laugh. âYouâre a hot nerd.â
âStop it.â But you smiled anyway, probably for the first time since youâd opened the rejection letter from Harvard. Concerned, your mom had called Scott while you were holed up in your room, ugly-crying into the bedspread, and it was enough to make you regret having been so bitchy about her the week before. She really had been trying to help⊠not that it mattered now that Harvard had given you the hard pass.
It wasnât like you had no other optionsâyouâd have been crazy not to line up a contingency plan or two. But Harvard had been your dream since you could remember caring about college. It was your castle in the sky, the thing that kept you going through four years of grueling hard work, a neverending grind of AP and Honors classes, student clubs and extracurriculars. And still it wasnât enough.
âWe regret to inform youâŠâ
Well, not as much as you regretted it.
As if reading your mind, Scott wrapped his arms a little tighter, his tone light when he said, âUPennâs nothing to scoff at, you know. Youâre upset because you got into an Ivy League?â
âAn Ivy League in Philadelphia,â you protested.
You didnât add âand not the one I wantedâ because you knew, objectively, that he and your parents and Ms. Andersson, your favorite teacher, were all right. You were incredibly lucky to have gotten into the University of Pennsylvaniaâthe campus was beautiful, it was close to home, and, like Harvard, it boasted its own fair share of Supreme Court Justices and legal luminaries. It wasnât like your future was in complete and utter shambles. You would still have everything you wanted⊠except Scott.
You felt him shrug behind you. âSo what? Itâs just a five-and-a-half-hour driveâor an hour-and-a-half by plane if weâre desperate.â You shifted so you could shoot him a funny look. âI might have googled it,â he admitted, âright after you told me you got in.â
âOf course you didâŠâ The fact that he had started making plans without waiting on Harvard made you feel better; it meant he had every intention of making it work and maybe you were the downer, seeing the situation as near-hopeless when, really, there had to be couples who didn't let physical distance stop them from being together.
Glass half-full. All you needed was a little faith, a little more optimism.
âAt least weâve got the whole summer,â you said, trying to implement this new, sunnier outlook.
You felt Scott stiffen.
âWhat?â You turned around properly, anchoring your hand on the side of his neck. You had a minor panic when he wouldn't look at you, and at the guilt written on his brow. âTell me,â you said.
âUncle Riggs wants me to spend the summer down in NOLAâsomething about getting to know me better. I think he mustâve worked it out with Mom. Sheâs finally put the house up for sale, doesn't want me around when strangers start traipsing through and asking about whether or not sheâll throw in the vintage furniture for an extra few grand.â
At last, after years of painful back and forth, the Miller divorce was imminent. True to Scottâs prediction, âpoor Pamelaâ had hired an attorney and filed paperwork on the very week he climbed through your window. So far his dad had been uncharacteristically passive, perhaps figuring he had put his family through enough, or else fearful of the very same Marshall Riggs who had been summoned from the rafters to come through for his sister after a period of long estrangement.
It was Riggs who had retained Pamelaâs ace divorce attorney, Riggs who agreed to pay most of Scottâs tuition. Spending a few months with him seemed like the least he could do. You were disappointed. But you understood.
âWhen do you leave?â
âTwo weeks after graduation.â
âSo we have a month,â you said. âThatâs thirty days.â
âMore like twenty-six⊠and three quarters.â He smiled the same wistful sort of half-smile that was on your face, and you kissed him, savoring the familiar taste of mint on his mouth from the gum he chewed out of habit.
âThen letâs not waste a second,â you answered back.
He placed a kiss on your forehead. âI love you.â
When he said it, it sounded like a promise that everything would be all right, and in spite of your worries you chose to believe him.
PRESENT DAY OKLAHOMA CITY
For the last ten minutes youâd had trouble hearing Kateâs voice clearly over the phone, but you figured it was to be expected since she was calling from the middle of nowhere (at least to your urban- and suburban-bred estimation), and really, after almost three months of similar experiences, youâd grown tired of plugging your ear and saying, âKate? Kate? Youâre breaking up!â
On the upside, your cognitive skills had to be getting a real workout from filling in the weather-induced gaps in your conversations. Case in point:
ââbad luck with the last two, but Iâfeelingâbuilding in the eastââ
âYeah, her Spidey Senses are tingling!â you heard Javi yell in the background.
Kate laughed. âGo away!â
âAsk her if she caught the livestream!â Tyler said, no doubt from the driverâs seat.
It sounded like she had you on speakerphone, so you spoke to him directly. âTy, need I remind you that I have an actual job.â
âOuch! Did you hear that?âthinks we donât have real jobs!â
âI did notââ
The clarity improved, and you could hear the sound of car doors slamming and voices cracking jokes in the background, which usually meant theyâd returned to Kateâs motherâs farm in Sapulpa, where StormLab kept a satellite office in Cathy Carterâs barn. It was makeshift, but what you saw of it during one of Tylerâs Facetime calls had a rustic charm completely at odds with the glass-and-chrome offices where Herb Rankin worked.
Actually, now that you gave it a momentâs thought, not even Herb Rankin fit into his office.
âListen to her, the Big City Bigshot slumming it with the rednecks,â Tyler went on, earning a few spirited hoots and howls from the other Wranglers.
âKate is from New York!â you objected. You waved an arm in the middle of your dim-lit apartment as if anyone could see you, vaguely aware that you were holding a pair of chopsticks and had probably sent a strand of shredded cabbage flying behind your couch.
This assertion was too much for Javi to bear. âExcuse me! Kate is OK to the bone, New Yorkâs just where she keeps her apartment.â
Kate laughed as she said something you couldnât catch, then Tylerâs voice came, audibly close to the phone. âHey, that reminds me, whereâre you from, again?â
âPennsylvania.â
âThat is not a Philly accent.â
You were about to say that not everyone in the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania sounds like Rocky Balboa when Javi replied, âThatâs âcause sheâs from the fancy part of Pennsylvaniaâbut we don't hold that against her.â
âGee, thanks.â
Tyler asked, âWait, youâre not billing us for all this shit-talking, are you?â
You let out a snort, picked up your phone, and held it close to your mouth. âYou know, maybe I should, Arkansas.â
At first you couldnât work out what the hell was going on when Tyler broke out in âIt's the spirit of the mountains⊠and the spirit of the Delta⊠it's the spirit of the Caaapitol doooooome,â but by the time the other Wranglers pitched in, with all the gusto of a drunk karaoke night despite being stone-cold sober, you understood that you had been treated to a rare and hopefully never-to-be-repeated rendition of one of the state songs of Arkansas. A short while later you hung up, cheeks sore and still laughing to yourself. The silence in your apartment was deafening by comparison.
Sometimes, you called them just because you lacked company. There wasnât much to report on the Rankin frontâas much as you had tried to negotiate on Javiâs behalf for a less hostile resolution, Scott insisted on keeping Kate and Tyler in the suit and seemed determined to take their tiff before a judge if his terms werenât met.
Even Rankin seemed fed up.
Maybe it was a bad idea, maybe it was the two glasses of wine youâd had with dinner or the post-ballad high. Maybe you wanted to be the one to make StormLabâs problem go away. Whatever the reason, after you put the dirty dishes in the sink, you found yourself calling the one person you swore youâd never speak to ever again.
For good measure, as the dial tone rang you poured yourself another glass. When he answered, you nearly choked.
âCan we talk?â you managed to ask, swallowing down a mouthful of Syrah. There was a long silence on the other end. You didn't know if he had your number saved, if he knew who had called him, or whether heâd recognized the sound of your voice. You remembered that the last thing you had said to him was âgo fuck yourself,â and added it to the mental list of why maybe you shouldn't have called him after all.
Tylerâs impulsiveness seemed to be as contagious as a rash.
Scott answered: âNot without my lawyer present.â
Okay, fair. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. He sounded clipped, like heâd rather be lowered into a tank of leeches than be on the phone with you. You were reconsidering the wisdom of your actions when he asked, âWhat do you want?â
Your eyes darted around the living room. Thinking on your feet wasn't new to you, it couldn't be, in your profession. But a part of you knew youâd taken a stupid gamble in pressing the call button, and now that the die was cast, you had to make it count.
You opted for the aggressive approach.
âRankin says you're being uncooperative.â
You could feel the animus on the other end. âNo, he didn't.â
âIt was implied. No one wants to keep drawing this out, Scott. So, come off it. What is it that youâre actually looking to get out of all this?â
If he opted to tell you to go fuck yourself, you figured it would be fair play. This really was business, and not having to look him in the eyes made it easier to feel the rush of adrenaline that came with making a risky move in the name of work. You knew that technically, and in the strictest interpretation of the word, reaching out to another lawyerâs client crossed the line into inappropriate, but you were also a couple years beyond green. If you could cut out the middleman and get Scott to come to the table in a serious way, it would all be worth it. And Rankin could go back to playing 9 holes without losing face in front of his old school mate Riggs.
You waited for Scottâs response with bated breath.
âI want StormLab run into the ground.â
The answer came as no surprise but his tone did. Dark, intense, almost as bad as one of the nights he snuck into your room after a fight with his dad. It was the one and only time youâd ever heard him say he hated his fatherâhis lack of control, his thoughtlessness, his inability to keep his word. Afterward heâd pretended he never said it, or rather, he was careful to never bring it up again, but you knew he had meant it.
And he meant it now. He wanted to take StormLab down. Heâd succeed over your dead body. Javi and the others were counting on you.
You moved the phone to your other ear. âRight, well⊠that's not gonna happen, so any other alternatives?â You could feel he was about to end the call, so you tacked on, âWait, just⊠hear me out, okay? Forget about Tyler and Kateâthis isnât about them, really, this is about StormPAR. Compromise on this one thing and you have a better chance of being compensated for what went down last year. You and Javi can just⊠move on with your lives. On paper it's about money, right? Riggsâs investment? So letâs settle this as soon as possible.â
âYou and me?â
âAnd Rankin,â you added, your conscience getting the better of you.
There was a pause before Scott repeated, âYou and me.â
âI donâtâŠâ
âThatâs my final offer.â
Alarm bells of a different sort rang in your head. On the phone was one thing, but in person, alone? Could you really sit across from Scott and keep your cool?
You had to. More than that, you wanted to prove to yourself that youâd grown up since you were twenty-one, that you were assured and confident and could handle messy things like sitting across from your ex. There were many things you regretted from that time; the one you regretted most was a reluctance to stand up for yourself. What was Tyler always saying? You donât face your fears, you ride them. Frankly, you still weren't sure what the hell he meant by that, but it sounded a lot like âput your money where your mouth is.â At some point you had to choose to take action.
âOkay, fine,â you said. âWhen and where?â
âYou busy tonight?â
You scoffed, casting a glance at your open laptop and the piles of paperwork lying on top of the coffee table. âIâm busy every night.â
âPerch. In an hour. Donât be late.â
THREE YEARS AGO PARK HAVEN, PENNSYLVANIA
As a rule youâd been avoiding your hometown for the last three years, ever since your breakup with Scott. It was easier to stay in Oklahoma, where the possibility of running into someone who knew the Millers or would ask âare the two of you still together?â was slim. After your father died, you started to regret being such a coward. So much lost time⊠although your mom kept telling you that your dad understood the need to have your own life and never held it against you.
You held it against you, and all the more when your mom decided to downsize and move in with a friend.
After requesting two weeks off you got on a plane to Philadelphia and drove south to Park Haven to help her pack. You stayed up late, wore holiday pajamas, filled your hand with paper cuts, and inhaled about four pounds of dust in the attic. It was nice to spend time with your mom. All the old grievances seemed minor in comparison with the massive changes that lay ahead. Always one for sentimentality, sorting through boxes full of clothes, keepsakes, and old mementos put your mom in an especially chatty mood, and you soaked everything in, not having realized before how little you knew about your dad. He was so reserved in life, so buttoned-up, with clear expectations of himself and others that you were surprised to learn about his stint in an amateur dramatics troupe, the year he tried his hand at playing the alto sax, his fear of geese.
âGeese?â you asked your mom.
âYes, geese. Those fuckers are vicious!â Having never heard your mom swear before, you froze while elbow-deep in a box of photographs dating back to the 70s. All she did was shrug and finish the rest of her margarita while lightbulbs flashed on her navy blue Rudolph sweater. âWhat do you want me to say? Parents have secrets, too.â
âWell, I think this parent went a little hard on the tequila,â you said.
Your mom plucked a faded Polaroid from the box. âYou know⊠he didnât look it, but your dad was actually a lot of fun. We both were. Then⊠life gets in the way, you start caring about PTA meetings and getting the HOA off your backâŠâ
âFuck the HOA.â
âRight on! Canât say Iâll miss any of those jerks.â She sighed, and with a little shake of her head, put the Polaroid back in the box. âSometimes I worryââ She stopped herself and glanced at you nervously.
âWhat?â
âSometimes I worry that you think about us, about your dad and me, and that you donât see us as having ever been in love. Especially after you and Scottââ
âMom,â you warned.
âI know, I know, me and my big mouth.â She held up her hands, chuckling to herself. Normally youâd seize the opportunity to change the subject, but you were thinking a lot about how you couldâve been a better daughter, all the times you shut the door in their face because you didnât want to feel scolded or uncomfortable, because you werenât interested in what they had to say.
Your mom was trying to respect your privacy. The least you could do was not leave her with the impression that you thought she had a âbig mouth.â
You reached across the box and touched her arm. âThatâs not what I meant.â
âAll I mean is⊠I know youâre not dating.â
âHow do you know that?â
She grinned. âMothers have their ways. I just donât want you giving up, is all. If Dad and I werenât the model marriageââ
âWhat are you talking about?â you asked. âHalf of my friends have divorced parents. And even if you were divorced, the whole ânuclear family or youâre a failure to societyâ thing is so five-decades-ago.â
âWell, good! Because I was happyâI want you to know that. Maybe it wasnât the sort of romance people write songs aboutâGod knows your dad had his faults. He wasn't perfect. No one is. But when you love someone⊠itâs less about keeping score and more about what you build. Together.â
She looked off to the far wall, where their wedding portrait sat propped in its frame, ready to be wrapped in old newspapers and put away. You turned around and looked at it, tooâat your momâs curly updo and poofy skirts, the sleeves that looked like pool inflatables, at least to your modern eyes, at your dad before his hair went gray, the sheepish smile on his face like he couldnât believe heâd gotten away with the steal of the century.
Youâd gotten so used to its presence in the living room that you couldnât remember the last time you gave it more than a passing glance.
Lit by an alternating flash of blue and purple lights, your momâs face was cast in an otherworldly glow. Then the spell was broken, and she was your mom again in an ugly Christmas sweater, smiling fondly at an old memory to which you werenât privy. âFor some reason, we brought out the best in each other. That mattered to us more than anything we ever did wrong.â And that was that, a twenty-nine year marriage summed up in a few sentences.
You said, âI guess that does sound romantic⊠in a super-practical, boring, construction-analogy sort of way.â
She laughed and threw a wadded-up newspaper at your head.
âDad never liked Scott,â you said after a while, rolling the ball between your hands.
âWhat makes you say that?â
You threw her a pointed look. Her expression said, Oh, alright.
âHe wasnât disapproving, exactly. He was worried about you. Who wouldnât be? Your first boyfriend, your first love⊠I donât think he was quite ready to see his teenage daughter all head over heels over some guy on the baseball team. And the Millers, well⊠they had their issues, as a family. Maybe your dad didnât want you becoming collateral damage. But, oh sweetie,ââit was her turn to touch your arm, Rudolphâs nose squished against the cardboardââit was never about Scott. When you told us you were engaged, we were so pleased for you! And then a few months later⊠just like thatâŠâ
You swallowed the knot in your throat. How much time would have to pass before you could think of Scott without a tidal wave of sadness hitting you square in the chest? Collateral damage, that was one way of putting it. âI guess Dad was right, after all.â
âHe never said âI told you so,ââ your mom pointed out, âand he never wouldâve wanted to.â
You squeezed her hand. âYeah, I know.â
A phone call from your motherâs friend Rose prompted a break in packing. She went into the kitchen to discuss sideboard dimensions, and you went upstairs, where you were slowly going through your childhood bedroom and putting things in boxes marked Keep and Donate, or else in bags to be discarded when trash day rolled around.
You were almost finished, the walls empty of medals and photos, the corkboard of mementos lying in the recycling bin outside. Already it felt like a bedroom that had belonged to someone else, and while you were sad to know that, after the house was sold, you would never step foot in it again, the process of taking things down one at a time had given you a sort of detachment. There were items, like the snowglobe your friend Tash gave you when she got home from a skiing trip in the Alps in the seventh grade, that you had once thought you could never do without. But now Tash lived in LA with her wife and kids, and you hadnât spoken much since high school except for a few text messages now and then.
Youâd decided to keep the globe but you knew it would live in a box in your closet, a relic rather than an everyday part of your life in Oklahoma.
Speaking of closets, you tackled the wardrobe next, marveling at how many items would be considered âtrendyâ now that the fashion cycle had taken a turnâor God forbid, âvintage.â There were stuffed animals shoved into the top shelf, your old 50 State quarter collection, debate club certificates, a landscape picture from your senior year mock trial, and a shoebox falling apart at the seams.
You took it to the stripped bed with shaking hands, knowing youâd been dreading this most of all but that it had to be done, so why not now.
After you broke your engagement off with Scott, youâd gone home to lick your wounds. This was before you found a job, before you decided to move to Oklahoma on the literal toss of a coin, knowing only that you couldn't stay in Pennsylvania and that you needed a fresh start. Left with no other options, home had been your best bet, even though the weeks spent living with your parents and avoiding their worried questions had seemed at the time like cruel and unusual punishment. When you moved out you had left something behind, hidden beneath seashells and baubles and silly notes you had passed during class, movie stubs, train tickets, an inexplicable piece of gum, the collar that had once belonged to Clover, your old childhood dog.
You lifted a school ribbon and found it: a blue velvet box with a golden clasp. Your heart pounded in your ears. You took a deep breath, let it out again before lifting the lid⊠and there it was, glinting in the light of late afternoon.
âHoney, Rose wants to know if youâd like to join us for dinner at her place!â
Box, ring, and all tumbled onto the hardwood. Though you were alone, your mother calling to you from the bottom of the stairs, you felt incredibly guilty. âIâll be right down!â you yelled back. You got on your hands and knees and slipped the ring back in its cradle.
It felt dangerous somehow, like a live grenade. But you couldn't get rid of it. When you went back home at the end of the month you packed it at the bottom of your suitcase and itâd been living with you ever since, moved from closet to closet, unseen but never quite forgotten.
PRESENT DAY OKLAHOMA CITY
The jewel twinkled in your hand, an oval diamond surrounded by small clusters and set in a ring of yellow gold. It was one of a kind. Scott told you he found it at an antique jewelerâs who dated it to the summer of 1880; it was a genuine Victorian piece, and for nearly four months it had been your most prized possession.
The same foolhardy impulse that made you call Scott and agree to meet him made you dig it out of your closet, right after you spent twenty minutes agonizing over what to wear and the state of your hair. This isnât a date, you kept reminding yourself. If anything, it might be a trap. He was, after all, Marshall Riggs's nephew.
Letting your lesser sense win out, you slipped the ring on your finger and watched it catch the light. It truly was a beautiful ring. And it was sentimental, as though its selection revealed a hidden truth about Scott.
Its weight on your hand, present and comfortable, calmed your racing thoughts and the nerves roiling in your belly. You kept it on as you dressed and got ready, then chalked it up to a desire for punctuality when you rushed to the elevator, through the lobby, and into your waiting Uber still wearing it. The driverâs presence snapped you out of your momentary lapse in sanity. They were chatty, and the more you talked about work and the weather and what you liked doing in the city, the sillier it felt to be wearing your ex-fiancĂ©âs engagement ring. Before getting out, you stuck it in the pocket of your linen duster⊠which was also, admittedly, kind of a stupid thing to do.
(You blamed Tyler for all of it.)
Located at the top of a fifty-floor high-rise, Perch was a bar and restaurant with full views of the city and a James Beard Award-winning chef. The atmosphere was relaxed and unfussy, the lighting unobtrusive, and the cocktails reasonably priced. At the door, the vest-clad host directed you through the assemblage of diners and beyond a decorative glass partition to the tables reserved for business meetings, minor celebrities, and men who didnât want to be seen with their mistresses. Scott was there in rolled-up shirtsleeves. You watched from a distance as he rubbed his stubbled cheek and his pointer finger came to rest at the seam of his lips.
You would not stare at his mouth or let your eyes linger anywhere on his person. This was business, goddammit.
But hell if he didnât look good. You hated that after all this time you still found him maddeningly attractive.
âSeriously?â he asked, casting a pointed look at the portfolio in your arms.
âWell, this isnât a social call.â
âBy all means.â He gestured at the seat in front of him, mockingly formal. You glanced at the coupe waiting on your side of the table, a cheerful yellow with a perfect white foam on top and a twist of lemon peel. âI took the liberty of ordering your usual.â
You sat down and set the portfolio to one side, adopting an air of casual indifference. âActually, itâs not my usual anymore.â
âReally?â
âBut thanks anyway. So, from previous conversations with Javiââ
âWhat is this mythical new usual?â
âAre you kidding?â you balked, narrowing your eyes.
âNo, Iâm just curious.â He propped his chin in his hand. Maybe lying had been a petty move on your part but youâd be damned if he forced you to backtrack and you came out of this looking a fool.
âI hate to be the one to tell you this, but at some point youâre gonna have to learn to live with uncertainty. Anywayââ
âYou donât have a new usual.â Scott smirked. âItâs still a gin sour and youâre just being difficult.â
âDifficult⊠Wow, okay! Weââwagging your finger in the space between youââare not together anymore, so these mind games youâre trying to play are highly inappropriate and also kind of a dick moveââ
âA dick move!â he repeated.
âYeah, a dick move! Which I know is, like, your whole personality nowââ
âIs it?â he laughed.
ââbut Iâm trying to settle this like an actual grown-up and all youâve done for three months is make that very difficult for everyone involved!â
He rolled his eyes. âThis is such a fucking boring conversation.â
Incensed, you had the fleeting thought to throw your drink in his face, but people only did that in soap operas. âYou were the one who wanted to do this in person!â you fired back, shrill and drawing the attention of a server who promptly beelined to a different table and pretended not to hear. Which only made you wonder what sort of clientele frequented her section.
âAnd you were the one who called me,â Scott pointed out, ânot the other way around.â
His being right made you even angrier. You had thought you were prepared, that magically youâd be able to have a civil conversation that settled the matter in a way that left you with your pride intact and StormLab the clear winner on the side of good. Clearly, youâd miscalculated. âYou know what⊠fuck this.â After downing half your cocktail in a single gulp, you gathered the portfolio in your arms and made to stand before deciding that, actually, you wanted to get a few things off your chest first so that abandoning your PJs would be worth it. âI am so over this whole⊠fucking⊠stupid⊠mess. Iâve had actual divorces that were easier to mediate, Scott. Whole marriagesâand not short ones either! Just take the fucking shares! Please⊠take the shares and go back to Riggs and leave us all the hell alone. Weâre tired, okay? This is just⊠so unbelievably tiring. And fuck you, by the wayâyes, itâs still a gin sour.â You finished yours, figuring that if Scott was paying, you might as well.
And now Iâm ready to leave, you thought.
But Scott had other ideas.
âYou spoken to your mom lately?â
âWhat?â You gaped at him, wondering if you were losing your mind. Was he? Was there a dimensional shift happening that you werenât aware of?
âPardon the observation,â Scott went on, âbut you donât seem⊠well.â
âAre you being for real right now?â
âI didnât mean it like that.â
And how else could you mean it? was on the tip of your tongue. But the look on his face made you stop. No bullshit, no smug provocation. He was serious. Somehow, that was more unsettling than when he was fucking with you. It brought back too many memories.
âI was sorry to hear about your dad.â
He looked you straight in the eyes when he said it. You wanted to burrow into a hole in the groundâinto him, if you were being honest. It didnât matter how many years had gone by. A part of you was still twenty-seven and glancing at the door wondering if maybe, just maybeâŠ
âOh, Iâm gonna need another one of these,â you whispered to yourself, stunned back into a seated position. The server came around and eyed your empty glass, asking meekly if you would like anything else. âI might as well,â you answered, sounding patently glum. All the while Scott kept a neutral expression, even waited until you had another drinkâand a glass of waterâin front of you, giving the server a soundless thanks before she scurried away.
Probably off to the kitchen to tell her coworkers about the crazy lady at B25.
âI thought about showing up to the funeral, actually,â added Scott when you had regained most of your composure. âBut I didnât know if Iâd be welcome. Mom, being a firm believer in Emily Post, thought itâd be better if we skipped it. She sent flowers, though.â
âShe what?â
âShe sent flowers. Your mom never said?â
You shook your head. She mustâve been trying not to upset you. But you had been upset anyway, thinking about how Scott shouldâve been there, how you had always expected him to show up and make things better.
All this time you had used his absence as yet another example of how little you mustâve mattered in the end. Which made no sense, because you were the one to break things offâand yet, that entire winterâs morning, you had bargained with yourself that if he showed up through those chapel double doors you would forget everything and beg him to take you back. It was too late for that. But knowing that heâd thought about going loosened a painful knot in your chest that you werenât aware you even had.
You cleared your throat. âHowâs your mom, by the way?â
âSheâs doing all right. Sheâs part of a sewing circle, believe it or not.â
âPlease tell me that isnât a euphemism.â
âGod, I hope not.â
You smiled involuntarily, picturing Pam Miller in her sweater sets and pearls. âIâm glad sheâs doing okay. Your dadâŠ?â
He picked up his drink, a Macallan on the rocks. It was his uncleâs drink, too. âI haven't heard from him in years. Guess neither of us ever saw the point.â
âScottââ
âHowâd you and Javi become an âusâ anyway? He never said.â
Fair enough. It made sense that he wouldnât want to talk about his dad, let alone with you. But talking about Javi? When an hour ago he had admitted to wanting to bankrupt Javiâs company?
âIâll be on my best behavior for the nextââhe looked down at his watchââfifteen minutes. Promise.â
âI donât know, I think itâs better if we table all the personal talk,â you hedged.
âBetter for whom?â
âBetter for my clients. And better for me, too. Weâre not friends.â
âWeâve never been friends,â Scott pointed out.
âExactly. So why lie and pretend like we are?â
âCall it a term of this negotiation.â
âScottâŠâ Already this night was going nothing like how youâd planned. Your defenses had all the strength of a thin paper bag; he was in front of you, all dark-haired, blue-eyed, 6â4â reality and you werenât unaffected. You wanted to keep talking to him, make the moment last⊠and all the more because you knew it had to end at some point. Scott would never be yoursânot again. Youâd made your peace with that a long time ago. But he has a right to know. Maybe if you could convince him that there was no grand conspiracy against him, he would be more amenable to Javiâs offer.
This is business, you reminded yourself. Redirect, bring it all back to StormLab.
âFine,â you decided, settling in to tell the story of how you and Javi first met. âIt happened maybe a year after I moved to Oklahoma City⊠I was out with a new friend and she took me to this bar after dinner to meet a bunch of people, one of whom was Javi. We get to talking, he tells me all about this new company heâs starting with a friend of his, says itâs a lucky coincidence or maybe fate having a twisted sense of humor becauseââo
You broke off. You hadnât considered how to broach this particular detail in the story. Obviously, Javi had no idea at the time how messy your backstory with Scott was. He had only thought to poke fun at his friend and seemed delighted to have solved a long-standing mystery for himself.
âSo youâre the girl!â
âCome again?â
âThe girl, you know. He has a picture of you in one of his old notebooks from college. What a small world!â
âWhat?â Scott prompted. You felt your face heating up and took a sip of water to hide it. You couldn't well omit the rest having already begun, but the knowledge that Scott had kept a photograph of you, whether by accident or otherwise, made you flustered then and it flustered you now.
You settled for: âHe said he recognized me, and that he thought we might have a friend in common. Obviously, he meant you. He was dating one of Christaâs friends at the timeââ
âRachel.â
âYeah. So heâd show up, be around⊠You know how Javi can be.â
âLike a persistent terrier.â
âSounds like your kind of business partner.â
Scott looked away.
Not wanting to push things further in that direction just yet, you explained, âI work a lot, so itâs hard for me to make friends. Javi seems to make them wherever he goes. Itâs nice having people like that in your life, to open you up, remind you thereâs more to all this than billable hours and senior partner tracks. But we never talked about you. Not until this whole thing happened.â
âWhat thing did he say happened?â
Tread carefully now. Scott was watching you intentlyâif you said the wrong thing it might start a new argument between you and make his relationship with Javi a hell of a lot worse. In polished business-speak, you recited: âJust that you had a fundamental disagreement about the direction of the company.â
Your reward was a skeptical laugh.
âAlso, that he might have left you on the side of the road during a tornado⊠which he feels bad about, by the way.â
âNot bad enough.â
âScott, you canât really want to ruin him, can you? I mean, this is Javi weâre talking about.â
âThatâs not part of this discussion.â
âOkay?â you shot back. âI donât remember agreeing to that condition.â
âYouâre still at this table.â
âAnd that can easily be fixed!â
âAll right, calm down.â Maybe it was you in danger of starting another fight. Scott, holding up his hands in a show of good faith, said, âI thought we were playing nice here, being civilized, acting like adults⊠What else have you been up to?â
âYou want to know about my life?â
âLike I said, Iâm curious. And seeing as this is a momentary parley, I plan on making the most of it.â
Again, you took in his face in search for any signs of subterfuge and found none, only the barest hint of levity in his eyes at your willingness to argue. It reminded you of the old days, when Scott would delight in teasing you for the sole purpose of seeing what your reaction would be. âFine. But itâs going to be quid pro quo,â you demanded. âCall it a term of this negotiation.â
His mouth curved into a smile. Then he held out his hand across the table and waited for you to take it before saying, âTerm accepted, counselor.â
In the end, playing nice with Scott turned out to be a lot easier once youâd established a few ground rules, mainly the stipulation that either of you could say âpassâ if you werenât willing to answer a question.
You went through the whole gamut of discussing your first jobs after college, gossiped about the old Park Haven crowd, the who-married-who and the who-got-divorced of it all. It turned out that, like you, Scott hadnât returned to Pennsylvania much in the last few years. StormPAR kept him traveling through the Great Plains for most of the spring and summer, and during the rest of the year he lived in New Orleans, where Riggs and his mother lived. You got the sense that his life revolved around work, and that StormPAR, while not the be all and end all of his professional fate, had been an important part of it until Javi called it quits. You figured this explained, in part, why he took the loss so personally, and though you kept your thoughts to yourself you lamented that his one attempt to branch out for himself and away from his uncleâif you could call taking a major investment from Riggs âbranching outââhad gone badly.
Either way, by the end of the evening you felt youâd been a little hasty in believing the old Scott had left the building for good. You exited Perch in higher spirits, glad to see that the night was clear and that the air felt good on your cheeks. When he asked if you were getting a car, you shared your desire for a long walk and he responded with mild horror until you explained that you didnât live far. âMaybe twenty minutes? Thirty at most.â
âIâll walk you home,â he insisted. You didn't argue because you were secretly pleased. The only thing you had to guard against was the urge to take his arm as you used to do. You felt giddy with it, which you were sure had to be the alcohol, but it was also the fact that Scott was here, in the flesh, that you were cracking jokes and sometimes even pulling smiles from his otherwise deadpan expression. Youâd forgotten how that could make you feel like youâd won the jackpot.
âIâm sorry, I know youâre going to take this the wrong way,â you prefaced while walking backwards on the sidewalk, âbut I have a really hard time imagining you as a storm chaser.â
âExcuse me!â
âI meanâŠâ You stopped and full-body gestured. âI mean, look at you!â
âWhat?â
âEven your slacks are pressed!â
âObjection, why are you studying my slacks like a degenerate?â
âDonât make it weird,â you replied, and fell into step beside him, if only to keep him from seeing that you were embarrassed by the implication that you mightâve been checking him out. âAll I meant to say wasââ
âThat I donât look like a rugged adrenaline junkie? Maybe âRodeo Clownâ is more your thing these days.â
âDonâtâTylerâs actually quite decent, you know.â
âBut you knew exactly who I was talking about.â Scott snapped his fingers as if to say, Gotcha! as you ruefully shook your head. Something about Tyler Owens tended to evoke a Neanderthal-like competitiveness in certain menâScott, being competitive by nature, fell for it all too easily.
âThis is me.â You pointed at your building. It was a relatively new construction with climbing greenery and pop-out balconies where youâd lived for a year-and-a-half after a not inconsiderable raise, and the reason why you worked sixty hours a week.
âCan I come up?â Scott asked.
You whipped your head so hard that your temples throbbed. âThatâsïżœïżœâ A no good, awful, terrible, ill-conceived, perilous idea?
Scott seemed to find your distress highly entertaining. âJesus, would you relax?â he said. âIâm not asking to tuck you inâunless, if thereâs someoneââ
âThere isnât,â you hurried to say.
âOh? How come?â
The knowledge that the man with whom you were formerly engaged was inquiring as to the current state of your love life with all the breeziness of do you have the time? was enough to make you believe in karmic punishment. âLike I said, Iâm busy,â you managed to eke out, which only made him lift his shoulders as if to say, Then, whatâs the big deal?
Scott Miller was good at that, getting his way.
âFine,â you caved. âBut only for ten minutes! Fifteen, tops!â
âScoutâs honor.â
In the elevator car you stuck your hands in your pockets, searching for your keys only to find the cold hard metal of your engagement ring. You looked guiltily at the oblivious Scott, who was staring at the floor display with a contented expression and was none the wiser about your having worn it earlier in the night like some kind of weirdo. Should you give it back? At the time heâd wanted nothing to do with it, but was keeping it the proper thing? Was it good for you to even have it?
At last you found your keys at the bottom of your purse. You opened the door, trying to remember how well youâd tidied after dinner as he walked in, inspecting everything. You watched as his gaze traveled over the open-plan kitchen and living areaâthe work files, magazines, and old mail stacked on various side tables; the midcentury beechwood couch you got for a steal at a secondhand warehouse when you first moved; the shelves, filled with books and framed photographs and trinkets youâd brought from home; and the view from your window, which wasnât nearly as spectacular as the one from Perch, but it faced west, and if you were home during golden hour you could see the other buildings lit orange and gold.
âYeah, this is exactly how I pictured it,â Scott mentioned at last.
âWhat do you mean?â
âI donât know, itâs just⊠you,â he answered. Your stomach turned to knots. He made you feel seen like nobody else could, not least of which because youâd let him back when you were younger and less guarded. Your heart kicked wildly in your chest, urging you to go to him, go to him, explain everything, get him back, because he was the one. Then Scott looked away, pointing at a sad fern that sat on a pedestal next to your mounted TV. âYou still canât keep a plant alive worth shit.â
âRude,â you fired back, grasping at levity in order to shove the other thoughts away.
Scott drifted back to your bookshelves, seeing a few paperbacks he mustâve recognized from your old room at Park Haven. âAnd yet you keep trying. Do you actually use any of these?â he inquired, motioning towards the half-dozen board games you kept piled on an open top shelf. There was Clue and Monopoly, Candy Land, Sorry!, Scrabble and Life.
âSometimes,â you replied, âwhen I have friends over. Which hasnât happened much this year, if Iâm being honest.â
âLetâs play.â
You laughed. You didnât believe him. He pulled one of the boxes out and took it to the coffee table and all you could do was stare, incredulous, as he took his jacket off and rolled up his sleeves, actually sitting on the floor and looking expectantly at you to join him.
âYou want to play Life with me?â you challenged. âDoesnât that seem a littleâŠâ
âAnd you call me uptight.â He waved you over, determined not to take no for an answer. âCome on, hotshot, live a little.â
Despite your better judgment, and after a momentâs panicked hesitation, you lowered yourself next to him. He still smelled the same, like rain and sandalwood and pine. You wanted to curl into his side and feel the rise and fall of his chest beneath your ear, like youâd done on the nights he spent hidden away with you in your room. You had never gotten to live together; all you had were countable memories of waking up next to him and thinking, One day⊠one day weâll have this every day.
As he set up the board, all you could do was stare at his hands.
SIX YEARS AGO NEW ORLEANS
Marshall Riggs greeted with you a double-kiss at the door, one on each side of your cheeks. Then he held you at armâs length so he could look you up and down. âWould you take a look at that,â he said to Scott, âpretty as a picture! I suppose this is the part where I welcome you to the family?â
It was midsummer in Louisiana, on the hotter side of balmy and with the cicadas out in force. Shortly before you graduated Scott traveled to Philadelphia and asked you to marry him. Saying yes had been a no-brainer. You were in love, had put up with four years of distance and near-breakups, and now here was the culmination of all your compromise, communication, and hard work. For a second there youâd thought it would end badly; you were both in highly-intensive undergrad programs, there was only so much you could hash out over phone and video calls, and you were young. The question of âdo we really want to make a life-changing decision at twenty-one?â had crossed your mind. But upon further reflection you realized that the answer was yesâhad always been yes. And Scott seemed to agree.
In the absence of his father, âmeeting the familyâ entailed paying court to his Uncle Riggs, a man you had spoken to a few times, at holiday parties and summer outings hosted by Pam, now settled in New Orleans and much happier than youâd known her before. But all those other times, youâd met Riggs as Scottâs girlfriend. Now you were his fiancĂ©e, with a fancy law degree and a diamond ring and everything, and while you wouldâve preferred keeping your distance you knew this was important to Scottâthat Riggs was important to him.
So you put on a smile and indulged the old man. Do it for Scott, you said to yourself. Youâve come this far. No point faltering while you were at the winning stretch.
You bowed your head. âThank you for having us, Mr. Riggs.â
âPlease, just Riggs,â he laughed. âOr Marshallâbut only my ex-wives call me that.â
You soon found he had a way of twinkling his eyes that made you feel like you were sharing a joke. As he pointed out the features of his homeâthe old tapestries, the mural commissioned by Candice, his second ex-wife, the wall he knocked down because he wanted to âopen up the spaceâ, and his plans to expand the front garden, which, as it was, made the house look like it was in the middle of a tropical rainforestâhe regaled you with stories about the people he knew, going off on tangents and bringing it back to the topic at hand. He was genteel and witty, and though he carried himself with Southern indifference there was no doubt he had power: he cocked his head, and a woman in an apron appeared with a tray of mint juleps; Scott held onto his every word; and when you were led into a dining room that mightâve fit forty or fifty at least, it was taken as a matter of course.
He pulled out your chair and sat you at his right hand because it was âthe place of honor,â and Scott smiled encouragingly. You were doing so well.
You only wished that you could feel it.
âSo, you want to be a big-deal attorney,â Riggs announced, digging into a perfect roast chicken. âWhat kind? Criminal?â
âOh, no,â you replied. âCivil all the way. Iâve got a few offers but I want to shop around, make sure Iâm making the right first move.â
âThe right first move!â He pointed his knife at you. âI like that. By any chance, are you a chessplayer, sweetheart?â
âCanât say that I am. My family are more into board games, really. Colonel Mustard in the library with the candlestick?â you explained.
He got a kick out of that. But he was partial to chess. âOpening movesâif you look at the big picture, they don't seem all that important. But well, in that case, why the hellâre there so many of âem? Napoleon Opening, Greco Defense, Bled Variation, Balogh Defense⊠Sometimes how a thing starts dictates how the rest of itâll unfold, from midgame all the way down to the end. If you're gonna do something, might as well do it right the first time or so I always say. Donât I, boy?â He turned to Scott for confirmation.
âYes, sir.â
âYessirâŠâ Riggs chuckled, spearing a roasted sprout. The ends of his bolo tie shifted on his neck. A turquoise the size of an acorn sat between his collar, and he was dressed to the ninesâfor your benefit, the guest of honorâs.
Nevertheless, there was something of the austere in his eyes. You couldnât shake it when he put down his fork and sat back, looking from you to Scott, nodding like a king about to give his blessing to a pair of kneeling courtiers. âPretty as a pictureâŠâ he repeated. âLook at you bothâyoung, on the cusp, and none too hard on the eyes, if I do say so myself. A real golden couple on our hands! To opening movesââhe raised his glassââmay we always know when to make the right one.â
You raised your glass to be polite.
Scott leaned across the table. âBefore you ask, yes, he is always like this.â
His uncle laughed, clapped him on the shoulder, and called for âchampagne! To my nephew and his beautiful bride!â
As the night wore on, you convinced yourself that any discomfort was all in your head. You worked your way through three dinner courses, all impeccably cooked, and by the time the doberge was served you decided that you had judged the man too harshly. Sure, he was old-fashioned, but he was also jovial, polite, and he clearly doted on Scott.
âHow nice it is to spend some quality time,â he remarked when Scott left the table, saying Pamela was on the phone. She wanted to know what plans you had for the rest of the week, whether you were still on for the garden fĂȘte on the 25th, and what dates you were considering for your engagement party, whether that would be here or in Pennsylvania, but I really do think youâd better do it here.
âIâll just be a few minutes,â he said to Riggs, leaving you alone with his uncle. Now he had focused all of his attention on you, the full glare of his eye-twinkle and magnetic allure. He wasnât a handsome man; it wasnât about his looksâwhich were well past their primeâbut about the knowledge that he could get almost everything he wanted simply by wanting it.
âItâs a shame we never did this sooner,â he went on. âWhy do you think that is?â You shifted guiltily. The truth was, Riggs had always made you a bit uneasy. He had a reputation as a difficult manâruthless, exacting, guileful, hard to please, and he liked doing business in the gray, always legal but never quite on the up-and-up.
Over the last four years, you may have avoided him on the grounds of self-righteous principle, but you couldn't admit to that if you were trying to leave a good impression.
You hedged, âIâm afraid law school doesn't leave much time to spare.â
âVery true⊠Not that I would knowâit was always too much book learning for me, Iâm a man of action,â Riggs explained, sipping his whiskey and looking happy as a clam. He had polished off two slices of cake earlier, but only because weâre celebrating. âNow, my nephew⊠heâs a bit oâ both, isnât he? Either way, heâs got too much of his mother in âim.â
You frowned, wanting to say a word in defense of Pamela. Riggs waved you off. âDonât mind me, Iâm just a silly old man with too many opinions. It tends to rub people up the wrong wayâdon't think I haven't noticed!â Another laugh, another narrowing of the eyes that could have been humor but which you felt like a lightning strike down your back.
He knows and youâre making something out of nothing struggled for dominance within your head, and still he kept on talking, forcing you to pay attention and leave the question unresolved.
He pointed in the direction where Scott had gone. âThat nephew of mineâI donât have any children of my own, did you know that? It never happened for me. Four wives and nothing to show for itâimagine that! But that boy⊠good thing his father never knew what to do with âimâsmart as a whip he is, and like a dog with a bone once heâs got an idea in his head. That part Iâd say he got from me,â he said with a chuckle, wagging his finger in the air. He gave your hand a few avuncular pats and then kept it there, meaty and warm.
âI can see that you love âim⊠I can see that you really love âim. What bright, young, sensible girl wouldn't? You should see him âround the office! He breaks hearts left, right, and center wherever he goesâa real catch, my secretary always says, and sheâs been with me since Scott was yea-high. Heâs got his motherâs looks, which Iâll say not to sound too self-serving, heh!â A slight tug on your wrist. You kept your objections to yourself, saying, Heâs just a strange old man. As your discomfort grew, stretched to its very limits, he removed his hand and was back to being an innocuous grandfatherly man again. He seemed a little sad, wistful, even. Almost frail.
âI donât know what I would do without him,â said Riggs, staring at his empty plate. âI really don't. Oh, here! before I forgetâI have something for you.â He reached into the inner pocket of his cream suit jacket, extracting a long envelope which he slid across the table with a paternal expression, his gaze warm. You began to object, and, âGo on, now!â he insisted. âI don't hold with false modesty! Nothinâ but a waste oâ time in my book. Open it! Call it a graduation present to help you get started. Scott said your old man was taking some time off from his job, feeling under the weather.â
You opened the flap to find a check with more zeros on it than you couldâve reasonably imagined, payable to your name and typewritten in official font.
âMr. Riggs, this isâŠâ Your hands shook, you felt too hot in the enclosed dining room. Where was Scott? What was taking him so long? You slid the check in the envelope and tried to push it back to Riggsâs side of the table. âThere is no way I can accept this,â you said. âItâs too much money, and while I appreciate the gestureââ
âNonsense! Itâs my pleasure and I wonât hear no canâts or wonâts about it! I want you to know how well Scottâs been doing here since he finished school. Heâs flourishing, all my business associates love him. I canât possibly make do without him now.â
âI donât understand,â you said, a pit growing in your stomach.
Once more Riggs pinned you with that twinkle in his eye. âI think you do, a smart girl like you. A man should sow his wild oats while he's young. I had a pretty young wife when I was his age. Marjorie, her name was. My first. It's true what they sayâyou never forget your first⊠By God, she was beautiful! and we had all these plans⊠so many plans! Dreams, really. But mine were always just a little too big for her, you understand, and at first that didn't matter muchâwe were in love. But then⊠the kids never came, and Marjorie had too much time on her handsâat the very least, she had more time on her hands than I did, thatâs for sure! That gets to a woman sometimes.
âI know you won't have that problem, big city lawyer and all,â he said to you, as if in you he had the fullest confidence and he was speaking about other, less distinguished women. âBut really, even if Marjorieâd been an ambassador to the United Nations sheâd still have had a compunction about something or other⊠Ambitionâs a hard pill for most folks to swallow.
âNow, you seem like a nice girl⊠really, I like you plenty! But letâs talk facts here for a minute. You are not the girl for Scottânot when heâs trying to become the man that heâs trying to become. The boyâs got the instincts of a killer. Really! All Iâve gotta do is stand back and look at him! But you, my dear, youâre nothinâ like him. Youâll never be. For most of my life, I thought the perfect woman would be someone to âbalance me out,â as they say. Itâs taken me almost fifty years to find out that ainât nothinâ but bullshit made up by Hallmark or whoever to sell us some cards. There ain't no use fighting oneâs true nature. You and Scott are doomed to failâif not now then in five years, if not in five then in another ten! Youâve seen the cracks, haven't you? Heâs not the boy you met in Park Haven. Heâs becoming his own man. He doesnât need you anymore.â
You were almost too stunned to speak. Between the casual misogyny, the callous worldview, and the envelope that lay between you on the table like a coiled snake, you felt like you had left realityâthere was no way this conversation could be taking place with Scott just in the other room.
âLet me get this straight,â you began, willing your voice not to shake, âyouâre offering me money to break up with Scott because you think Iâm not good enough for him?â
âNo, no, no!â Riggs drew in close to you and took both of your hands, his face earnest and pained. âYouâre getting this all wrong. Iâm not some mustache-twirling villain trying to thwart the course of true love! Youâre a wonderful girl, Iâm sure Scottâs been very happy with you. But everything has its season. The time for moons and Junes and Ferris wheels is over. You can leave him to me now.â
âWith all due respect, youâre out of your mind!â You slid your chair back, making an angry scrape along the tile. Riggs closed his grip around your hands.
âSittdown before you wreck the boyâs life.â
âWhat are you talking about?â
âDid Scott ever tell you about his old man? How he squandered the family fortunes and left him and Pamela all but bankrupt? Now, me, Iâd have done the decent thingâput a pistol to my head for all my sinsâbut the man has his pride, though I donât know where-all he gets it from. You see Pam now, up in her French colonial sunning her face and drinking cocktails like the belle of the ball?â He pointed to his chest. âI did that. Scottâs shiny new diploma from M-I-T? Right again! Now, I don't believe in somethinâ for nothing. Everything in this here world has its cost, sweetheart. Everything. I have invested in that boyânot just money, but my blood, sweat, and tears! I wonât abide a loss. I wonât abide it.â
âScott isnât an investment,â you shot back. âHe isn't yours to own.â
âAnd yet it would seem heâs worth more to me than he is to you. If he marries you, he and Pam wonât see another cent from me even if I have to drive past them through the gutter. Iâm telling you I would throw my own sister out on the street for himâmy own flesh! Can you say the same? Could Scott? Would he choose you over his poor, silly mother? Now, I highly doubt that.â
The crazy thing was, he seemed genuinely aggrieved by this predicament of his own making. In his face you could see him imagining the sceneâhim in his black town car, driving past Pam. And yet he remained immovable. Either you gave up Scott or he would make good on his threat.
It was callous, immoral. I have invested in that boy.
The sound of Scottâs shoes came up the hallway. Riggs folded the check into your hands and said, âDon't make a scene. Think about it.â
âWhat did I miss?â Scott stopped to kiss the top of your head before resuming his seat. You felt nauseous, your hands clammy around the paper you hid in your lap. To you, Scott seemed like he belonged in another world, another timeâa Before-Time.
As you tried not to cry, Riggs smiled at him broadly and said, âOh, nothing much. But I have a little present for you.â
He pulled a box from the bottom of his seat, crimson leather and beautifully stitched. Scott lifted the lid. Inside was a silver Patek Philippe, the watch he would wear when you saw him six years later, sitting across from you at a conference table with a strange coldness in his eyes. He showed it to you, beaming with pride, and while you couldn't remember what canned response you gave, you did recall that he pulled Riggs into a hug, and said, âUncle, you really shouldnât haveâŠâ
PRESENT DAY OKLAHOMA CITY
For nearly an hour you and Scott sat on the floor of your living room, playing at marriage and midlife crises and how many babies you would have, which on any other occasion would have made you hysterically laugh or, as Javi said on the night you met, remark upon the universeâs odd sense of humor.
But you were strangely levelheaded. If anything, you felt slightly out-of-body and yet entirely in your body, if that made sense.
You were aware of every piece put on the board. You watched the spinner turn in a rainbow of colors, the clack of the spokes sounding faster and faster before it slowed and then drew to a stop. You felt the couch cushions at your back. Scottâs shoulder brushed against yours sometimes, when he reached for one of the tiny bright pegs that went on top of the tiny bright cars. It felt like you were inside of a dream, and because dreams didnât matter and had no consequences unless you let them, you started to ease into surrealism.
You played the game, and gradually your body began to relax. This was familiar to youâScott taking it way too seriously, you poking fun at the furrow between his brows, the way you alternated between cold-hard strategy and chaotically negligent gameplay just to see a reaction flicker across his face. He stretched his legs out beneath the table, threw an arm across the seat-edge of the couch; sometimes, you would recline further back and your neck would touch his arm. You did it a few times, feeling embarrassed at first. But when you saw he didnât mind, you let your head fall back, waiting as he picked a card.
Something was building beneath your skin. You felt restless, and a little reckless. Despite the law you laid down at the restaurant, you couldnât stop your gaze from lingering. It lingered everywhere: on the hollow of his throat, the shape of his nose, the play of light across his cheeks, his mouth, the spaces where his white shirt gapped between the buttons and you could see his bare chest underneath. Oh, youâre in trouble⊠you said to yourself, and yet it didnât matter. You didnât care. This was a liminal space, a void where you could be honest and unafraid of the truth.
Even when Scott caught you looking, all he did was look back. He let the tips of his fingers touch yours when sliding a card from your hands, knocked his knee against yours. There was a timeâor maybe you imagined itâwhen you felt his hand stroke your shoulder and you almost did something out-of-line. Because there was a line, blurred, but it existed; you kept within the bounds because you knew it was the sole condition to prolonging this state, so you bought ownerâs insurance and traded in stocks, changed careers, had twins, repaid a loan (with interest) and made your slow and steady way to retirement at Countryside Acres.
At the end of the game, after all the remaining play money had been counted, it was Scott who said, âLooks like I win,â and all you said was, âWhy am I not surprised?â
Then you glanced at the clock. âItâs late.â
âAnd we havenât killed each other. Howâs that for a dĂ©tente?â Scott began putting all the parts away, pulling the pegs out of the cars first, sticking each one inside its appropriate little plastic bag. You wouldâve thrown them straight in the box and not had a care in the world about it, but you liked that he did.
It was a Scott thingâpatient, methodical, kind of annoying, and mostly well-intentioned. You sat back and watched him do it.
âWow⊠they teach words like that at MIT?â
âThey tried it out with our classâapparently, word was going âround that STEM nerds lack empathy.â
You smiled. âNow where would they go and get an idea like that?â His eyes flicked down to yours. Having finished, he went back to reclining against the couch, one arm draped over his bent knee.
His gaze on your skin felt like a physical touch, and when it stopped at your lips, a shock of heat went through your body, from the crown of your head down to your toes. You watched him swallow. The urge to kiss him was vicious, urgent and unrelenting, and when you saw his mouth part, his tongue emerging to wet his lips, you thought, Now now now, but then Scott stood so fast he almost upset the table.
âI should go,â he managed to say, his voice ragged. He sought sightlessly for his discarded jacket, found it lying over the top of the couch, and he couldnât escape fast enough. Frustration rolled off him in waves.
âScott!â You scrambled to your feet. You might have touched the very edge of his sleeve, but he held up his hand to stop you coming any closer.
âThis was a mistake.â
You went stock still. The spell was brokenâthis was no longer the dreamworld where nothing mattered, this was the Real World. The one where everything had been broken, not least of which because of you, and it was all a mistake. Calling him had been a mistake, meeting him had been a mistake, thinking that you could control anything you felt about him had been a mistake.
And now there was this: Scott raking his hands through his hair, turning in the middle of the room, almost a decadeâs worth of anger and disappointment and confusion and, why not, maybe a little hatred thrown into the mix.
âYou never trusted me!â he threw in your face. âAnd I mean neverâeven when we were in high school, especially not in collegeââ
âWhy are you talking about college?â you demanded, your voice rising to meet his.
âEvery time I called, it was like you were expecting me to tell you it was over. Every girl I so much as spoke to when you came to visitââ
âI was eighteen! What the fuck do you want me to say? That I was insecure and kind of an idiot? Yeah, no shit! I thought weâd moved past that!â
âNo, we didnât move past it because it never changed! Maybe it stopped being about other women, but then it was about work, about the time I spent shadowing at my uncleâs company. Do you have any idea how exhausting it was to keep having to convince you that I was all in? And what, somehow we went from that to âyouâve changed, Scott, I donât think I like who you are anymore, Scottââ?â
âWhat the fuck? I never said that!â
âThe night we had dinner at my uncleâsâthe night you left! And again in the elevatorââ
âCan we not do this?â you plead. âI thought we werenât going to do this. We agreed!â
âWell, maybe I'm changing the terms.â
âThen this ends right here.â
There was silence. You knew it was coming, and yet it still hurt like a freight train hitting you square in the chest when he looked you in the eyes and said: âWhat else is new?â
You flinched. You felt your whole body recoil, your eyes sting. Your fault. The one who couldnât stand up for herself, couldn't commit, who ran at the first sign of trouble. You and Scott are doomed to fail. Riggs had laid down his vision for the future and you had believed him, had chosen to believe him more than you had ever believed in Scott, or in yourself.
Youâre not the girl for him. Youâre nothing like him.
Hadnât you always told yourself the same in the darkest recess of your mind? Hadnât you, in truth, been just a little bit relieved when you packed your things and moved back to Park Haven, play-acting ended, no more trying, no more waiting for the other shoe to drop?
âIâm sorry.â Scott took an immediate step towards you. âIâm sorry, I didnât mean that.â
âYes, you did,â you shot back with more vitriol than you intended.
âDonât do thatâdonât pretend to know how I fucking feel.â
âYou forget, Scott. I know you.â
âI thought the whole point was that you didn't! That I was so⊠unrecognizable!â
âWell, you are!â you exclaimed, shouting again. âSuing Javi? Trying to take down his company? Being Riggsâs, what, fucking loyal dogââ
âOh, spare me the hystericsâŠâ
âDid you say it?â you cut in. âDid you really say you didnât care about that town full of people?â
Scott froze. You watched his jaw clench, and you knew in that moment that he'd been counting on Javiâs discretion on that score.
If your intention had been to preserve any goodwill between them, that was all going up in flames now. Hell, after tonight, you and Scott might be incapable of being in the same room together, let alone working towards a peaceful resolution to a civil suit.
âYou werenât there,â he ground out. âThere were other things going on.â
âDid you say it, Scott?â It was obvious that he had. The shame kept him from saying another word when you finally stepped around the coffee table. âBut God forbid I say a word against Marshall Riggs, the undoubted patron saint of Tornado Alley. I'm sure his real estate empire only exists so he can share his considerable wealth with the downtrodden and needy!â
âWhat do you want me to fucking say? Do you want me to apologize for who my family is? I'm sorry if you find my uncle objectionable, but he is the only reason I ever made something of myselfâyou ever consider that? Iâd be nothing without himânothing! You think my father could have lifted a finger? Riggs is the only reason Mom and I made it through that summer. I owe him everything! So he makes business decisions you don't agree withââ
You scoffed.
ââbut Javi knew exactly where all that money came from. He wasn't duped, I didnât trick him⊠he made a choice. He made a choice! And then, what, Kate Carter comes along and he grows a fucking conscience? Give me a breakâŠâ
âAnd where the hell is yours! You think I give a shit what Marshall Riggs does? I care about you, you fucking idiot! Are you really going to stand there and tell me youâre happy? That it⊠that it feels good to know youâre suing your best friend, that you seemingly have no other friends, that youâve hitched yourself to your uncle and the most you can say is youâre doing it out of obligation? You used to want more for yourself, Scott!â
He laughed at that. Rubbing his hand across his mouth, he regarded you with a derisive humor.
âTell me, howâs the trust fund going? Your dadâhe was always a pretty shrewd investor, right? and your momâs family⊠theyâve got those boutique hotels along the eastern seaboard, the ones that get their pictures in the magazines and all over social media? Itâs pretty easy to talk about wanting more for yourself when your father didnât sink your family prospects on a deck of cards. I do what I have to do. Not that youâd ever understand.â
Moneyâhad it been this big of an issue the whole time? Had you ignored it all the years of your relationship? Money⊠and jealousy of your father, Scottâs resentment towards his. You felt so blind, so stupid. The âcracksâ Riggs had referenced had been there all along, and instead of talking about them you had stuck your head in the sand, worried that if you said the wrong thing all your insecurities would be proven right. That Scott would leave.
Scott⊠Did you ever stop to consider the damage that leaving him alone with Riggs might cause?
âYou only think you canât make it without him,â you dared to say. âBut he doesnât care about you.â
âWhat, not like you do?â
âNo,â you affirmed. âNot like I do.â
Scott frowned at you. He appeared almost childlike, vulnerable. A boy calling âno fair!â, probably with Riggsâs voice in the background saying, Life isn't fair. âYou don't get to do that. You donât get to do that after all this time⊠youâyou fucking left!â
âHe offered me money. Did he ever tell you that? How he tried to buy me off to leave you? You talk about my trust fund, and itâs trueâI grew up lucky, but we never had Marshall Riggs Money. Thereâs rich and then thereâs capital-R Rich, the kind you only get when youâve turned being a ruthless son-of-a-bitch into an art form.â
âI donât believe you.â
âYes, you do. I can see it in your eyesâyou know Iâm telling the truth. I never liked him. What's more, he could tell I didn't like him, and he couldn't have that⊠no, not Riggs. Heâd gotten used to you being his right-hand man and he wasnât about to lose you. So he waited until you left the tableââ
âIâm not going to listen to this.â
ââhe waited until you left the table,â you repeated, almost toe to toe. You forced yourself to continue, even in the face of Scottâs patent distress. You couldn't live like this, not anymore. Keeping secrets, taking the biggest share of the blame. ââIf he marries you, he and his mother wonât see another cent from me even if I have to drive past them through the gutter,ââ you recited. âThose were his words. Iâm not lying to youâI wouldn't, not about this.
âHe was never going to let us be together. Obviously, I didnât take the money, but he was dead serious about his threat. And I was angry. I thought if only youâd stood up to your uncle before, if you werenât blind to what he really was, I would never have been put in that position. So I took it out on you. I blamed you. And I said thingsâŠâ
You faltered, remembering the night you returned to the hotel. You couldnât stay, not with Riggsâs check in your pocket and the memory of his hand gripping your wrist. But Scott didnât understand. He didn't know what had made you so upset, why you were throwing your clothes into your suitcase and talking about flights and returning his ring and about how it was time you stopped pretending. And, yes, you took to heart what Riggs had implied about other women. You werenât picky. You werenât careful. You just had to leave.
You were ashamed of it now. The knowledge of how youâd acted lodged in your throat like a stone you couldnât swallow down. Scott remembered it, too. His eyes flickered this way and that, recalling, wondering how much of it was true.
âI said things to you that I wish Iâd never⊠that I still think about, and I still regret, because I loveââ Your voice broke. You placed your hands over his chest, then cradled his face, willing him to believe you, willing yourself to be brave. âI still love you, Scott. I love you. I shouldâve told you the truth, but I thought I was doing the right thing.â
âNo⊠you left,â he said weakly, bracing his hands around your wrists.
âI know I did⊠I know, but he canât have you.â You kissed his mouth, once, twice, as many times as he allowed, and all the while you said the things you shouldâve said that night in New Orleans. âI wonât let him have you⊠not this time⊠not again.â
Scott turned his head and the heat of his tongue met yours.
One second he was all coiled tension and the next he was all over you, walking you back towards the couch, kissing a trail down your neck, one hand tangled in your hair while the other was already up your skirt matching his strokes to the curl of his tongue. He laid you down on the couch, settling between your thighs, and even clothed the weight of him felt familiarâthe pass of his hand up and down your leg, the way he liked to tease you by wandering just close enough to where you wanted before pulling away, distracting you with a searing kiss or a shallow roll of his hips.
In the past, there were times when he would draw it out for hours, taking you to the brink and back until you were sure you wanted to curse him.
At a friendâs New York wedding, he made you come three times before he entered you, and you werenât too proudânow, with the real Scott on top of you, all over you, soon to be in you if there was any justice in the worldâto admit that you had replayed that night in your head sometimes when you were lonely. When a bad day at work or an ill-advised night of drinking too much ended with you trying to chase sleep on the heels of an orgasm that was never as satisfying as the ones you got with Scott.
Even when you managed to make yourself comeâreally come, that full-bodied electricity-followed-by-deep-silence feelingâyou had been all too aware of his absence. What was the point, you had wondered, if you couldnât curl up next to him or listen to the steady flow of his breathing or hear him sigh into your neck when he wrapped his arms around you and went to sleep? What was the point if, upon waking, you wouldn't have Scott and his early-morning voice, the clarity of his eyes, the smell of the coffee he made in his stupidly expensive espresso machines? (God, you missed that coffee.)
It was Scott⊠it was only ever Scott.
The couch was a perilous place to be doing any of this. You weren't sure that he fit in it, for one, and for another, you were mildly worried about the potential costs of fixing a broken midcentury piece of furniture. Oh, well, you thought, lifeâs too short. Not bothering to undress, you pushed aside articles of clothing, hands bumping into each other, scraps of fabric pushed aside, belt buckle rattling as it landed on the floor, until finally he surged into you, gripping the side of the couch and burying a curse against your neck as you stretched around him.
He slid a hand below your hips and fixed the angle. The sex was hurried, messy and it had nothing of grace; it was imperfect and rather cramped, really, but all that mattered was how he felt. He felt like home. As you came, he entwined his fingers around yours, and then he finished, trembling, prolonging a wave of pleasure that took your breath away.
Donât go, you want to say into his heaving chest.
Somehow, he turned you on your side so you could stretch along the couch. He wrapped his arms around you, stroking feather-light touched along your arm as his breathing slowed. You felt tired, hollowed out, but not in a bad way. In a quiet-before-the-storm way, when you can smell water in the air and the breeze picks up, and the world sits on the cusp of being new.
âI miss you,â he confessed, his voice barely above a whisper.
âI miss you too.â
After that, there was a silence so long it made you think heâd dozed off, but then he spoke again, painfully honest and a little scared. âI don't think I can do what you need me to do. Iâm not⊠thatâs not who I am anymore.â
âI think you are,â you said back. âI think heâs who youâve always been.â
THREE WEEKS LATER
You were enjoying a rare weekend off from work. Figuring you could do with some real time off the clock, youâd let the office know youâd be holding all work calls and emails until Monday. Abbyâs eyes had nearly popped out of her skull in a rare show of feeling, but after the emotional turmoil of the last few months, you knew you needed to walk around the city, have a massage, touch some grass, maybe eat a pint of ice cream in front of a frothy period dramaâa true-blue staycation.
The morning after you and Scott slept together, youâd agreed that it was in everyoneâs best interest to let things be. He needed time to think about a few things, and regardless of your shared history, you were still Javiâs lawyer. You distracted yourself by doubling down on other cases. It helped that dealing with Mrs. Richardson-Burkhardt and the four Barone siblings was as eventful as watching an HBO television seriesâbetween the scathing one-liners and last-minute twists, there was little bandwidth left over to think about Scott.
And yet you always managed.
For better or for worse, Scott had always been good at making you hope for things. Even when you wanted to err on the side of caution, expect the worst and thus avoid disappointment, just the fact that he loved you made you feel like anything was possible, like you could make things happen.
âWe brought out the best in each other. That mattered to us more than anything your father and I ever did wrong.â
At a department store downtown, you watched across the way as a young couple studied a tray of rings at the jewelry counter, diamonds sparkling in the light. The woman grabbed her partnerâs arm and pointed at one of the selections as if to say, âThat one!â, and for a moment they were in perfect sync. The salesman offered up the band with elaborate flourish, the groom-to-be took his brideâs hand, slipped the ring on her finger, and they admired it together, the play of white gold on her black skin.
The woman beamed. So did he.
âLooks like we have ourselves a winner,â the pleased salesman declared.
After lunch and an overpriced iced coffee, you arrived home with a gift for the Travisesâ golden anniversary party, a pair of gold-accented crystal champagne glasses you hoped would survive the flight. It would be nice to see your mom again, to reunite with your old college friends, and revisit old haunts.
The thought of going home no longer filled you with dreadâfor which, even if nothing came out of your night with Scott, if he decided that upending his life was too much for him to handle right now, you would always be grateful. For years, your idea of a worst nightmare was running into him and having the truth spoken aloud, plainly, and for both of you to hear. Nothing will ever be as bad as this, you told yourself.
But it was a half-lie. Not seeing him again would be worse.
Already, you felt his absence like a hollow in your chest.
On the kitchen counter, you saw that your phone began to ring. âJavi, howâs the weather looking?â you asked, putting him on speaker as you poured yourself some water.
 âSheâs a fickle mistress, Iâll tell you that! Hey, I just wanted to let you know⊠Scott called this morning. He says heâs dropping the suit.â
âOh?â
âYou donât sound too surprised. Any of that you're doing?â
âNo,â you replied, picking up your phone, âthatâs all Scott. I havenât spoken to him in weeks, actually.â
âWell, he sounded different. Still Scott, but a shorter stick up his ass, if you know what I mean. Anyway, I know a part of how everything went down was my faultâbusiness is business, as my Ma always says. I sold him my share of StormPAR, which means I also have to pay back some of the money we took from Riggs. Thatâll hurt like aâwell, you know⊠Iâm not the guyâs biggest fan these days. But if I donât have to hear the name Marshall Riggs ever again, Iâll count myself lucky and say itâs a price well-paid.â
âAnd Scott?â you ventured to say.
âHonestly, I think heâs done with the whole thing. Sounds like heâs closing up shop, which makes sense. Heâs a damn good engineer but kind of hopeless as a chaser.â
You laughed. âYeah, I guess I can see that. Are you okay?â
âMe, or me and Scott?â
âBoth.â
To Javiâs credit, he took a few moments to actually think about it. âYeah, Iâm good. You know me⊠I never stay down for long. Man with a thousand plans. Me and Scott? Man, I donât know about that one⊠I did leave him by the side of the road. Ruined one of his immaculately pressed shirts.â
You snorted. âGod forbid.â
âYeah, God forbid. Listen, if it were up to me, Iâd just let bygones be bygones. Lifeâs too short, you know. Shit happens⊠I donât want to be a guy who burns bridges over money.â
âYeah, I get that.â
âWhat I mean to say,â Javi spoke over a sudden burst of wind, âis that if Scott ever wants to give me a call, Iâll answer. You can even tell him I said that.â
âMe?â You set your glass down with a clatter, heat rising to your face.
âYeah, you! Iâm not an idiot, hotshot, that historyâs not gone ancient yet.â
âI have no idea what youâre talking about.â
âMhm⊠Anyway, the windâs picking up. Kateâs off reading her dandelions.â
âYou know, I kinda wish I could see her doing thatâŠâ
âWatch out, we might make a chaser of you yet!â Javi crowed.
You shook your head, said, âI wouldn't hold my breath,â but you were smiling. The sun streamed through your open windows and anything was possible.
Once Javi ended the call, you stared at your phone, wondering⊠And then you decided to be reckless one more time. Call it a calculated risk, you thought instead. You held the phone up to your ear and listened to it ring. The dial tone sounded a few times, and then it stopped.
Heâd answered.
âScott, itâs me,â you said, trying to relax the thrumming in your heart.
There was a pause and then you heard his voice: âDid Javi tell you?â
âYeah, we just got off the phone.â
âOpen your door.â
You made a face, glancing at the screen and holding it against your ear again. âWhat?â
âOpen your door, UPenn!â
You dashed to the entryway, patting your hair, blotting your face, wondering if your shirt was wrinkled. When you pulled the door open, you saw Scott in full view, in the middle of the day. Not wearing white. The blue of his shirt brought out his eyes, which looked tired but less burdened, too.
He seemed lighter, if not happy then trying to get there.
âThought Iâd skip out on being a sore loser this time.â He gave a half-shrug.
âI donât know, Miller⊠from here it doesn't seem like you're losing.â
He smiled at the floor, almost shy. And when he looked into your face you saw the boy you fell in love with at Nichols Academy, the one who took baseball too seriously, who loved Hemingway and your momâs apple crisp, the one who sang bad Sinatra and got into fights and thought James Watt was something of a god. It was like the worst of the last few years had gone away, leaving only space for something new to grow, to be builtâtogether.
âAll I want is you,â promised Scott, taking you into his arms.
You stuck your hand in your pocket, extracted the ring youâd kept there for almost a month like a talisman, like a good-luck charm, and held it up to Scott. He stared at it, and then at you, with something like shock.
Something like awe and wonder.
âDonât you know? You've always had me.â
And in that hallway, Scott Miller, a man whoâd never cop to having a romantic bone in his body, spun you around and kissed you and wouldnât have cared if your neighbor at Apartment 424 had noticed or if one of his investors appeared. Maybe there was something to Tylerâs corny catchphrase, after all: If you feel it, chase itâno matter the odds, no matter the obstacles in your path, because feeling it was purpose and inspiration and direction when you lost your way.
It took you a while, but you understood it now.
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